Where To Eat And Drink - Bluewater Waterfront Grill - Sunday Live Music

http://www.bluewaterdining.com/

They used to have these events several years ago that were the social event of the week, but when noise complaints (big surprise) forced Bluewater Grill to suspend Sunday Live Music they came back with the novel idea of shutting the sound down early, and the result has been a smashing success. The music runs from 4-8 PM, and the mimosas and white wine take up prominent spaces at the bar and at the tables. Check their website, listed above, for the band schedule. But who the hell cares about the band? A DJ could be spinning Bjork songs and you would still have a great time here.

It is a huge restaurant with several thousand square feet of dining space, but for now we'll concern ourselves with the lower patio area. That area is sublime. There are four of five bartenders working a bar that runs along the back wall. There are tables on the other side against the railing, and there is ample space between both to walk through or mingle.

The service is exceptional and the food is good. You should stick with the seafood fare to go with the ambiance. The classy restaurants tend to hire little rich kids just so they can get work experience, as a favor for their wealthy friends and customers. There were a few like that at Bluewater, but there was also a nice group of experienced waitstaff that provided competent service. It always sucks when you run across the waitstaff person who is pissed off at daddy for forcing them to work for the first time in their lives. Yuck...dirty plates.

As we mentioned last week, Bluewater is the anti-Dockside. The clientele leans toward the local hoi-poloi and the food and drink prices reflect that. In other words, every dish is served on a huge plate just in case you happen to be a snob about stuff like that. Our drinks were served in sturdy plastic cups that are designed to mimic glass. The patio area has a concrete floor so this makes complete sense.

The crowd was made up mostly of locals, and anyone on a vacation would be unaware that anyone can walk downstairs and join the party. They would probably have been seated upstairs and away from the band. Most of the bands play beach music and rock and roll covers from pre-1990. You know, geezer music. That's not to say that the crowd was all older people. There were plenty of young, healthy folk having a great time, as well. Big ups to the girls that are trying to be homewreakers or replacement wives to the men with boats. Work it!

All in all, you cannot beat a Sunday afternoon at Bluewater. Park your yacht, take off your visor and your Costa Del Mar sunglasses, grab your trophy girlfriend, and enjoy the good life. Salud!

Next: Fresh Seafood Returns To Buddy's!

Cougar Hunting - Part 2 - On Safari at Boca Bay and Osteria Cicchetti and Nofo

Now that you have decided that are going to make the leap into cougar country, it's important to make sure you dress and act the part. Remember that no matter how much they say that this is not about them "mothering" you, it definitely is all about that. To avoid an arguments, you should never bring up that topic in conversation.

The same rules that apply to dating any girl applies to the older ladies. You will want to avoid ALL conversation, as much as possible. Replace all needs to talk with an invitation to have sex. Since they are in their sexual prime, you won't get turned down. A woman of a certain age will have WAY more baggage than a younger woman, so avoiding any sort of "talking," which usually involves her talking AT you. Compliments are by far the best way to get out of a sticky conversation. "Those nipple rings are so cute," and "Were those new anal beads?" are two ways to change her mind from relationship talk to fashion.

The two best places nearby to meet cougar ladies are Boca Bay and Osteria Cicchetti, both incidentally owned by Ash Aziz, and both located right across the drawbridge. http://www.bocabayrestaurant.com/ and http://www.osteria-cicchetti.com/
We will talk about the food at a later date. For now, lets talk about what to expect at dinner time when you roll into either restaurant with your net (this is a live-capture safari after all).

Boca has been around for a long time and is well known as a hangout for the well-heeled locals. It attracts ladies from Wrightsville Beach and Landfill, and the main attractant for them is the cheap (really good) sushi that is served on Tuesday and, of course, the half-off bottles of wine on Wednesday. Friday and Saturday nights are excellent times for cougar sightseeing (that's when they also hunt), while the rest of the week is hit or miss. Don't forget that these ladies turn in early, so try to set bait and capture by 11 PM.

Osteria Ciccheti (Hey, Ash. Change that fuckin' name. No one can say it right or remember it. How about just Osteria)...Anyway, Osteria is hopping every night with Landfill ladies because it is a large and successful restaurant. Things started out a little rocky two years ago, but they seem to have actually gotten good food in there now. You will want to avoid sitting in the restaurant and sit at the bar to the right. That is the place to mingle. Go work your magic.

If you want to do some daytime hunting (weird), you should grab lunch at Nofo, which is near Osteria. There are some good, clean food there and they host plenty of Landfill Ladies Who Lunch. **Warning** their website will cause temporary blindness. http://www.nofo.com/tour_forum.php Told you.

Best of luck to you, Teddy Roosevelt. Happy Hunting.

Next: Animals Doing Things

Town To New Farmer's Market: Go To Hell!

http://www.luminanews.com/article.asp?aid=4492&iid=171&sud=30

What the hell? Sounds like the town misplayed this ball like David Carradine with a curtain string. Hey, way to run a great idea into the ground. The above article makes things sound really fishy, like someone salted the earth of the farmer's market idea before it even debuted. But what did you expect, most of the town loves to shop at Harris Cheater and Fresh Market.

Nobody wanted this thing to work more than us. Seriously. The thought of vine-ripened tomatoes, fresh herbs and flowers, cheese, a variety of baked goods, potted garden and house plants, blueberries and strawberries, and everything else that every other farmer's market has to offer, for great prices, had us salivating on Sunday night like a fat person at Casey's Buffet. Then boom! Nothing. Empty. Psych.

OK, so it was the first week. The logistics of putting this thing together might have been a bit much to ask on such short notice and....blah, blah, whine, whatever.
The issue is, who the hell wants to wake up on a MONDAY morning and go to do ANYTHING, much less spend money. Monday sucks. Everyone you know thinks Monday sucks, including farmers. They partied all weekend, drank all their homemade wine and beer, smoked that herb they grow in the basement, ate some peyote and 'shrooms, and practiced their rabbit shooting skill with the .22 rifle. The last thing they want to do on Monday morning is deal with a bunch of Wrightsville Beach snobs and their strollers and spoiled-brat kids. Ask them if that's true next Monday.

So how about some solutions? It should be on Sunday. Why? From a marketing standpoint, it would make more sense to have a farmers market when everyone is at home, on one day of the weekend. Why? Let's get retarded: 1) Most people are not working on the weekends and can attend and buy stuff 2) More farmers can be there 3) It does not compete with Saturday's farmers market downtown for vendors, and locals don't have to travel down there 4) Even Jesus Freaks will be able to enjoy God's fresh bounty when they get out of church 5) People cook on Sundays and might enjoy some fresh ingredients for their Sunday Funday 6) Sunday is a better day to market to all these earthy-crunchy, wannabe hippie kids that should stop talking green and start living it.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. There are probably other reasons to pick Sundays, but let's give it a summer of Mondays and see what happens. But if the vendors are not making money then this great idea will be declared a failure and it will be gone. Best Wishes To All. Seriously.

Next: Two More Douchey Beach Games

Where Adults Eat - Bouy 32

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Wrightsville-Beach-NC/Buoy-32-Bistro/48657428359

Sometimes we all need to grow up, wind down, embrace reality and take someone out to eat at a place where they will have some new and exciting food, it's not too noisy so there can be great conversation, and when you leave you have some left-overs for the next day. That's harder to find in Wilmington, much less WB, than one would think. Besides taking mom and dad out or going for a business dinner tax write-off to impress a new client, Bouy 32 is good for something else: getting into someone's pants.

You don't have to be a geezer to realize what all the fresh seafood and the vertical presentations are all about. If you are both above 18 years old, you need to take your love interest to Bouy and make sure you bring condoms and a bottle of wine for the beach after dinner. It's on! It's on the nookie grill like a sausage in a tuna melt in a wine reduction with capers and a chocolate passionberry glaze! (They don't actually serve that, but they should.)

Chef Eric Gephart likes to try new ways to tease the tongue...and we could continue to make more silly analogies about the relationship between food and sex, but by now you should know what's up. Get your asses over there for great specialty items (lots of fresh seafood) and then get down to the dirty munch.

Next: Why Lifeguards Rule The World

Where To Eat and Drink - Jerry Allen's

Jerry Allen's Sports Bar. 38 N Lumina Avenue Wrightsville Beach, NC 28480. (910) 256-8286.

So far we've spent the time introducing you to the "need to know" facts about WB in an attempt to get you NOT to come visit. If we've failed so far, and you are still considering vacationing here, we hope the first entry in our list of gastronomical reviews might help change your mind. Just kidding. No, not kidding. OK, you go eat there and make up your own mind.

First up, Jerry Allen's. It's a restaurant and bar that caters to college students and it is billed as a sports bar. It has plenty of TVs and it is a great place to watch a game. The busiest nights are Thursdays when one of the greatest marketing principles is put into full swing: $1 Domestic Bottles ALL DAY! Yes! One dollar for any domestic bottle! Try beating that shit! Lots of hot chicks and dudes. Surfers mix with "pop collars" and hippies to do something they can all agree with: drink as many bottled beers as possible. Get fucked up on $10! There is also a $2 burger special every day and half price whiskey Wednesdays (even top-shelf)! Sounds great, right? Can't get any better, right? How about half-priced menu every Mon., Wed., Fri., and Sun.?

From the above description you would think this place would be packed to the gills all night. How come it's only crowded on Thursday (early), Friday (early) and Saturday (early) while Lagerheads (across the street) is packed until 2AM?

Let's start at the top. No live music might be one issue...or...Have you ever been somewhere where some of waitresses made you feel that they were doing you a favor by slinging you beer? Have you ever been in a place where the waitresses were so hung over from the night before that your trying to give them money annoys the shit out of them? Have you ever been in a place that refused to fix the bathrooms even though they are high-traffic? Have you ever been in a place that serves food that gives people the shits? Have you ever been to a place where the chairs scrape across the floor at the worst frequency and the owner just can't seem to get it in his head that they make stick-on tabs that stop that annoying screech, but he would actually have to BUY them? Have you ever been somewhere where the only pleasure the bartender seems to have is SMASHING glass bottles into a can next to your fuckin' ear?

The answer to all the above questions is YES! ABSOLUTELY YOU HAVE! MANY TIMES, AND YOU LOVED IT! That describes most beach bars in this country!

Well, if none of those things are a problem for you, then you can enjoy Jerry Allens. Dollar Domestic Thursdays is still our favorite and it is safe; we don't eat anything while we're there, we pee in cups at the bar and empty it in the garbage, and we don't look the waitresses in the eye. But the most important thing is that we drink eight domestics for $10 because if God wanted us to tip angry servers well he would have given them an orgasm before they came into work so they would seem delighted to have a fuckin' job in this shitty economy.

We will buy Kale or Mike drinks if we see them out, but the rest of them need to lighten up and figure out that their attitude is proportionate to their tip. We don't care how bad your flow is...again..this week. Give us attitude and we'll buy only beer and tip you shit until you get the point! Someone should tell those people to start fake-smiling.

It's a good idea to stick with the healthy fare: salads, wraps, and so on. The wings aren't bad if they are not overcooked, but you only get half the wings on half-price nights. What's up with that?! And the $2 burgers that are supposed to be "All Day" are served until sundown only. Major Jyp!

The rest of the menu tends to be hit and miss (depending on who is cooking) and has been known to cause some indigestion. Just because it's half price doesn't mean you won't pay full price later when your bowels makes a collect call to your stomach. Check please. You have a date with a porcelain goddess who never judges you.

Like anything else in these reviews, don't take our word for it. Go and find out for yourself--then agree with us.

Next: What Not To Do On The Beach