Lying Surfer Dudes

This one is tough because some of this type are friends.

So you can believe us when we say that they lie, cheat, and steal more than anyone else and they get away with it because of the cheery, cute smile and the promises of taking your girlfriend (or wife) to Costa Rica and New Zealand. If any of them are anywhere near your girl or sister or mom and try to break out travel photos or even fuckin' TALK about some trip to Hawaii they took last year, kick them in the teeth, sic the dog on them, and chase them down with a shotgun loaded with deer slugs.

Many a Wrightville Beach relationship has been ended by these dudes that pick up STDs in Panama, Puerto Rico, Costa, and every other shithole surf "mecca" and bring them promptly back to your girl's cooch while smiling away and playing yukalale in your bedroom when you're at work.

This isn't sterotyping. This is an explanation about the mentality of a group of guys who are living vicariously through men who invented the surfer mack game 40-50 years ago and they are trying to channel all that free-love mojo into any hypnotizable chick that has dreams of traveling to other countries and feels lonely at the moment. Some of these guys went to visit a sick relative in Indiana and came back with stories about Bali after buying some bracelets on Ebay! I shit you not! Lying, smiling sons-of-bitches, all!

P.S. - All apologies to our surfer friends who actually went to foreign countries and don't have an STD and calls his mom regularly and doesn't cheat on his girlfriend and who's brain isn't fried from X....Let's stop it there. We just ran through a hundred of them.

Next: Get Down On the Ground!! Now!!

Are You A Local?

You'll only be asked this by the people who were born here, grew up here, or have their own dicks so far up their asses from living here a couple of years that they think they own this beach and hate anyone who they consider a tourist, or an interloper, or a goddamn northerner who's "buying up all our land." That goes double for any douchebag from the Tri-State area...because, well, it's a fairly accurate description of them.

There are few types of people that hang out here in God's scrotum. We call it that because of the warm temperature and the occasional winter breezes from the cold of space when God takes his vacation and visits other planets.

The two most prolific types are under thirty. The surfer/skater boy is the first of the two. Athletic, sandy brown or blond hair, always wears a surfer/skater branded t-shirt, sneakers, board shorts, surfer/skater sunglasses, etc., he can usually be seen chasing or being chased by his equivalent, the surfer/skater girl. Her outfit consists of a bikini until sundown and a mini-dress or tight cotton pants and blouse for the evening.

The next type are the preps, also referred to as the "pop collars." They may also attend or have graduated from the University of NC Wilmington, but they are content to wear khaki cargo shorts and Izod (I shit you not!) polo shirts. They like to rock the polarized fisherman sunglasses to remind everyone that daddy owns a boat. Every few sentences are sprinkled with the phrase "out on the boat today." Like, "I got so drunk on the boat today when we went over to Masonboro today on the boat."
They are usually accompanied by their high school or college sorority sweethearts who are wearing sparkly dresses and sparkly shoes.

These are the two groups you are most likely to run into in a bar at WB. It's very important that you know how to approach these people and how to best deal with them. Most people ignore them or treat them with disdain. That is a mistake that you should not make. They are a wealth of information and entertainment and they are by far the most cordial and responsible of any of the other types that reside on the island. What does that say? It says stay the hell off this island if you can't deal with the above mentioned types because they will outnumber whatever little backwater town or grungy big city YOU came from. It's like visiting any zoo--treat the animals with respect and you leave with both arms.

Next Entry: Rednecks and Working Men