My Arm Doesn't Bend That Way! - Evolution MMA Academy

http://www.evolutionmixedmartialarts.com/index.php

There are two sides to the MMA coin.

This whole MMA thing is out of control. Not since Bruce Lee and karate in the '70s has there been such an explosion in the interest of fighting styles and the historical aspects that may help determine which is best in practical applications. Of course, the whole undeniable issue behind the psychology of those who are ardent fans of the sport, but do not participate in it, is that they are attending the gladiator's arena and they are hoping for death. When that does happen, and it will soon, the sport of MMA will be changed and regulated to avoid further deadly incidents. There have been deaths in the sport of boxing, so it is important to note that no amount of change and regulation will make MMA safe, just safer. In the meantime, lets take it to the ring and enjoy what is the heyday of mayhem.

On the other hand, it is equally undeniable that EVERYONE should have a working concept of how to defend themselves and their families from aggressors. It has been proven time and again throughout history that a populace, even with hand tools and a working knowledge of martial arts, can hold their own against an occupying force. The fact is that there are bad people everywhere and it is imperative that in order to stand a chance against them you acquire knowledge of the art of self defence.

Evolution Mixed Martial Arts Academy started up about three years ago at the the right time to coincide with The Ultimate Fighter TV show and Pay-Per-View fights. There are padded floors for wrestling, heavy bags, and a spartan weight room that has just enough of the right equipment for strength training. If you go to a gym like Gold's, you'll find a lot of duplication of unnecessary toning equipment that can easily be replaced by some of the plyometric exercises stressed at Evolution. This does not seem to be a place for the typical, pretty-boy, narcissistic, mirror image loving types that are at Gold's. The focus appears to be the the mixed martial arts first and the weight training second. There are two tiers of membership: the MMA tier and the Strength and Conditioning tier. Check out the website listed above for the price difference.

The bar, Lagerheads, across the street from Evolution, used to be the place for guys to hang out and hoot and look at chicks that are jogging the loop on summer days. Since the gym opened, the outdoor seating at Lagerheads has also become a place for women to sit and hoot and stare at the burly, half-naked men leaving Evolution. Reverse sexual harassment is awesomely funny.

If you are reading this hoping that we are going to say something mean or sarcastic about the gym, you are out of your mind! Be afraid of people who fight...for a living. Yeah, that would be healthier. We were actually thinking about joining this "association" to learn "protection." Whaaa! The No Shadow Kick!

Next: Where To Eat - Buddy's Crabshack--Psych, Tourists!

Where To Get Your Dance On - Fibber's, DJ Battle, Sunday Night, 1/2 Price Wine

http://www.lazyday.com/showalbumbyid.asp?albumID=1849
1610 Pavilion Place Wilmington, NC 28403

We rolled into Fibber's a little late after spending an hour at Banks Channel, the new bar and restaurant located where the old Savannah's used to be. The experience at Banks Channel is a story for another time; we have to give them another shot because it had to be an off night. Anywho, we just wanted to watch Mets vs. Yankees because no matter what the "purists" say, baseball on a large, high-definition television is better than going to the game.

Since we were going to be at Fibber's anyway we figured we'd watch the final innings there. Now just like the baseball thing, there's probably a group of people that love karaoki and a group that cannot fuckin' stand the ear piercing screeching or the spoken-word version of popular songs. When the team you are rooting for is blowing it (AGAIN), karaoki is like Billy Mays listening to himself scream all day; it's going to kill you. It looks like the Japanese won WWII because karaoke has taken over some nights at American bars and that means it's near the end for us. But everyone except for a few sports fan was having a great time so....we could be wrong.

Anywho, once the game was over we moved on to the best part of Fibber's Sunday night, which is the hip-hop sounds of DJ Battle in the lounge room. The room is set up nice with seating along one of the walls, a bar along the length of the opposite wall, and a really good sized dance floor. It's up-to-date look and lighting, while maintaining a cozy feel, is one of the best parts about this room. It's not so huge that it takes too long to leave when it's packed, and the bar is easy to get to and walk away from once you get your drink. Feng-shiu. Freedom of movement. Very important.

DJ Battle spins for Coast 97.5, which is the local urban station, and it's always nice to listen to someone who can count beats and easily sync up songs so that there's no breakdown in the beat.
The crowd in the dance lounge is an integrated UNCW crowd. That's pretty much the side of Fibber's where people who can dance hang out. Battle sticks mostly to the Atlanta-style rap and r&b, which by the crowd reaction, is what they are there to hear, but he was smart enough to throw in some psuedo-house versions of many of the song which made dancing there fun.

****It's important to note that Sunday is half price bottles of wine night, so there were plenty of ladies.

The crowd mostly stayed until the lights were turned on, and then they stepped outside to order hot dogs at the Sabarett stand right outside the door before heading home. No fibbing about Fibber's, it is good fun on Sunday nights.

Next: The Sweat Of A Man

We May Have Spoken Too Soon About The Farmer's Market

In an effort to stay topical and relevant it is entirely possible that this e-magazine will be wrong about certain things and have to go back and either apologize or revise a previous opinion. That seems to be the case today with WB Farmers Market. There were plenty of fruits and veggies to be had, and the housewives and the unemployed made their way over there in droves in order to enjoy the bounty. Everyone else probably missed it.

In the previous article about the market, we suggested that Sunday be the day for this venue. We forgot to mention that there are no arts and crafts; there is strictly food stuff. So if you can get off work next Monday be sure to make your way to grab some summer fruits and veggies while they last.

Next: Where To Get Your Dance On - Fibbers Sunday Night

How To Get Arrested - 4 - "The County"

http://www.newhanoversheriff.com/Detention-Main.html

New Hanover County Jail is a supermax-style prison that is designed to destroy any memories of the life you had before you entered. It is a experiment in fear, disorientation, and hopelessness--and that's how the guards that work there feel! They have this glazed look in their eyes like they are bored. "Oh fuck, another 12 hour shift sitting on my ass in this hell-hole?" their eyes seem to groan. They smile at you while chewing gum, sizing you up to see if you're going to give them trouble.

Once the WBPD cars enter the facility and you are brought into the holding area for a continuation of the arduous process of booking, it might be a good time to sober up and realize that you are actually in trouble. At front desk area the officer will sign you over to the sheriff's office and ask questions that you don't have to answer like, "What's your religion?" Pentecostal Snake Worshipper Ministries of Duplain County is always good answer to that one.

Thirty more minutes of paperwork later, you are led to a holding cell. A few minutes later you are allowed to make a phone call to a bail bondsman or lawyer or family member. This your last chance to get bailed out if you don't want to go through the final phases of the booking process and be taken to the pods, which is the isolation-based holding facility deep within the prison. You'll usually get about 15 minutes or so to reach someone by phone to bail you out, but if your bail is set at about $500 or less it might be difficult to get a bondsman to come down there for such a small payoff. In that case you will have to get a friend or a family member to come down and pay the full amount for your release. More paperwork.

If you can't get bailed out, you will be interviewed by nurse about your medical and psychological condition. One of the questions you be asked is, " Do you have suicidal thoughts?" Do NOT answer with "Doesn't everyone?" because you will be placed in isolation and on suicide watch. Now is the time to start getting serious with you answers if you don't want to get fucked with by the prison employees. They can do a variety of things to make you stay tougher once they have red-flagged you as a troublemaker. We'll go into those later.

You will then be asked to remove your clothing and you will be issued prison garb and prison slippers (God only knows where and on whom those have been). Your photo will be taken by a digital camera and any tattoos you have will be documented. If you have committed a felony, a DNA sample will be taken in NC for the national database. You will be asked to strip down and take a shower and put on your new outfit, after which you will walk to the holding cell area. You carry a large plastic box that holds a towel, a toothbrush and toothpaste package, and a blanket to the holding area. The hallway are designed to disorient you so that if you attempt to escape you will end up between locked corridor doors and running down hallways that lead to dead ends.

Once you arrive at the pod area, your paperwork is given to the guards on duty. You are no longer person, you are a number and you are a guest of county of New Hanover and they are the worst hotel in town. You entered an institution of escalated punishment and you have yet to be found guilty of a crime. You are being reprimanded because you obviously need to be taught a lesson in civil behavior. You need to be conditioned and controlled so that the fear of being back at the county jail is the all you think about from this day forward. If you are guilty, and you know it, then you deserve everything you get. If you innocent or the charges are so petty as to be laughable, you're still screwed.

Where To Eat And Drink - Market Street Saloon

http://www.myspace.com/marketstreetsaloonwilm

A few weeks ago someone suggested that we head to Market Street Saloon for their Wednesday night festivities. But Wednesday nights have been reserved for Fibber's so it never happened. Besides, the only thing we knew about Market Street Saloon is that it's a saloon on Market Street. Well that changed this past week and it was nice to once again get off the island for a few hours.

Fantasy Island is awesome, but when the same bands are playing the same places over and over, and the same, albeit beautiful faces, are at the same places at the same time every week, it starts to feel a little too provincial. Lots of beach people have been heading to Market Street Saloon for a respite from the beach bar doldrums, and it was a nice breath of fresh air on a late Thursday afternoon.

The bar is set up nice. It's a rectangle, with an end that leads to the kitchen, in a very large room. There is a stage for live music, two nice pool tables in an elevated area and the bathrooms are spotless. None of the pool sticks are warped, which a nice change from most bars.

We sat around in the late afternoon and had a couple of beers with the one of the many crotch-rocket motorcycle gangs that seem float around town. Are those people afraid to ride alone or something? We ordered some wings which turned out to be FRIED chicken wings. They were really good and they hit the spot. Then the kitchen put our some free wings that at first we thought were just a little to burnt for our taste. But they were free, and we were still hungry, and we were now drinking booze, so we ate them and we loved them because the bar thought enough of it's customers to give us free food. Very thoughtful.

Anyway, the reason someone suggested going to Market Street Saloon on Wednesday night is because of something called Jello Wrestling. Sounds tasty. Check back on Thursday to read a review of this Jello Wrestling, whatever that is. Hmmm. It sounds sticky and sploochy.

We're going to have to remember to try other stuff from the kitchen--and add Jello to it.

Next: How To Get Arrested - Spread Them Cheeks!

Where To Eat And Drink - Brixx Pizza

http://www.brixxpizza.com/wilmington.html

When you hear about brick oven pizza, your brain is set on tasty. Thin crust, fresh ingredients and the romance of the original method to cook a pizza come to mind. But Brixx's pizza oven are gas-fired , not wood-fired, so we were a little wary about what would come out of that oven. But we have to say that the whole-wheat pepperoni and fresh vegetable pizza that we got was pretty damn good. What is considered a large pizza at Brixx looks like a small anywhere else, but it did not disappoint our taste buds. There are also a few sandwiches, salads and appetizers on the menu, but we came for pizza.

They seem to hire some very polite and pretty waitstaff (all women) at Brixx at Mayfaire Center. There is outdoor seating and a fully stocked bar. The Guinness beer is one of the best in town. It is served in a frozen glass (Yes!) and poured the traditional two-step way.

Wilmington, on the whole, does not have great pizza. Brixx does not have the best pizza in Wilmington, but the ambiance makes up for a gas-fired pie and maybe you don't need your pizza to taste like burnt wood ash.

Mayfaire Center pretty much sucks, except for the bookstore and the movie theater and now perhaps this pizza place. Brixx is a chain restaurants, which is usually not a good thing, but this chain gets the thumbs up.

Next: Market Street Saloon

Who's Dead?

Michael Jackson ,the king of pop, has shuffled off his mortal coil. What did he contribute to all of us? Despite all the weirdness, the child abuse charges, and Neverland Ranch (WTF?), one thing about Michael is undeniable: If you want to get your freak on, put on a few of his songs and rock the night away. Thanks for helping a world get laid, Mike.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the Pittsburgh Pirates have in common?
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason whatsoever!!

Will his organs continue to be donated to children?

Michael Jackson did manage to whisper a brief message to paramedics on his way to the hospital… “Put me in the children’s ward.”

Michael Jackson’s music touched a lot of people, and Michael Jackson touched a lot of people below the age of consent.

When Farrah Fawcett arrived at heaven God granted her one wish. She wished for all the children to be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson.

Well, at least he has practice burning.

So who will blow bubbles now?

Michael Jackson hasn’t been this stiff since that time MaCaulay Culkin slept over.

Rest In Pieces

Where To Eat - Casey's Buffet BBQ and Home Cooking

http://coastalncrealtor.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/caseys-buffet-bbq-down-home-cookin-at-its-best/

Yeah, yeah, we know it is off the island. We can't review this place properly. No one can. It's like asking someone who died, went to heaven, and was revived from death, "So how was it?" You will have no concept of what they describe. This place is probably as close to their description as you will find.

If you have not been there, you should go ASAP. This is the best food of this style on the entire southern east coast. You can read the review above, but like we said, no review does the selection and quality justice. No kidding around, you are wasting your time reading this review if you don't already know what's up with Casey's. Just get over there.

They have weird hours, so find out whether they are open before you head out there and enjoy the finest down home southern fare. Don't forget to take home a plate for lunch the next day. Simply amazing , amazing, amazing. When you're done, you should be prepared to do exactly what that cat in the photo is doing. Chill. Praise Casey's.

Next: Michael Fuckin' Jackson

Tattooed Geeks and Modified Freaks

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/80597687/

You know the guy from high school or college that used to get picked on all the time because he was always drawing and being weird? Well once he became a tattoo artist and started getting piercings and full-sleevesm, the beatings stopped and he started pulling down chicks.

Remember that girl you dumped while telling her you were never attracted to her? Well once she got a "tramp stamp" it turns out guys find her highly attractive.

So what's with the freakonomics involved in the ever expanding business of body modification? It seems that these days if you have virgin skin, to grab a tone from Maurey Povich, You ARE The Freak. All your friends and co-workers have tattoos, and no matter what they say, that shit hurts. We all have different pain thresholds, but there are a few things to remember if you want to join the cult of tattoo.

- Choose Carefully - Unless you want to pay hundreds or thousands of dollars for tattoo removal, get the design straight, get it sketched and traced properly, and get the most talented person you can find to do it.

- What's Talent? - Not because they can draw means they can tat. Going to a cheap friend is probably a mistake. Ask people you see with tattoos that you and like where they got theirs done.

- You Get What You Pay For - Says it all.

- Get It In A Place That Can Be Covered - You know why, slacker. Your parents aren't going to be around forever to support you.

- Avoid the Face Piercings - Unless you are going into the body modifying industry or work for the traveling carnival.

- Don't ever get a portrait tat. It's like stuffing a dead pet; it will not look the way you want it to look. Even super foxy Megan Fox has a crappy Marilyn Monroe portrait on her arm.

- DO get the clitoral piercing or Prince Albert because that shows true dedication to pleasure and overall slutiness. It's so much easier to get all that awkwardness out of the way after the first time you do it. Yeah, three rings down there means that you should marry her.

- Realize that the fact you are willing to sit for tens of hours for intricate designs that costs lots of money and cause plenty of pain (during and after the process) may indicate that you have some unresolved issues, the least of which is sadomasochism, and can lead you down that weird road that all cults have--the road of excess.

Next: Where To Eat - The One, The Only, Casey's BBQ

Sunday FunDay - The Cliche' That Won't Go Away

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sunday%20funday

Rhymes are cool. They should teach more poetry in school. But sometimes you hear words that sounds like fingernails on blackboards. It's gone on too long, like that itch on my schlong. There has to be a new way to say Sunday FunDay.

The term is used up like the strippers at Crazy Horse. The best new term we've heard so far is Domingo Funday, which is half-Spanish and thus half cool--the Spanish side, that is. How about the full Espanol? Domingo Dia de Allegre. Too long? That's what she said! Ha, Ha. (Let's start punching anyone who says that in the face.) Here's a list of other recent rejected terms that we might still promote if you don't help us find a new one:

Sunday BunDay - Day to scope out male or female buns. That's actually every day.
CuntDay - Quiet day at home with the person you are NOT cheating with
DoneDay - No more partying for the rest of the weekend. Riight.
GunDay - AKs, Mach 10s, MP5s, Barettas and Glocks, fool! Back up!
LoneDay - Waaah...
NunDay - It is Sunday after all, so dress up like nuns with a few friends and throw a wine bash.
T'sOnDay - Because it is on.
PunDay - Puns and other parlor games to help with vocabulary and reasoning skills, while taking shots
RunDay - All RunDMC music, all day
TonDay - Truck and Tractor Pull time, boy.
VomDay - Drink 'till you puke

Send us your suggestions for a new way to actually make Sunday sound like fun again. We'll pick a winner in few weeks. In the meantime, waste money here: http://www.gosundayfunday.com/

Next: I Did Because I Hate My Dad! OK?!

More Silly Beach Games

There nothing like a crowded beach to set up your own favorite game that takes up a whole lot of prime real estate and helps you kick up sand. Here are two more games for obnoxious morons that seem to be soaring in popularity this summer. Yea!

Cornhole - http://www.playcornhole.org/ It's really tough to make fun of a name that already makes fun of itself. Butthole is actually a very challenging game, but keep it on your porch or street; and that website above about shithole can't be serious. Please read the "President's Message" and tell us, after looking at the president's photo, what the fuck is wrong with these people.

Blongoball - http://www.blongoball.com/ Ohh, fuck. What do you think you get if you sign up for their newsletter? Do you get your balls cleaned for free. At least this site is tongue-in-cheek, with it's overt sexual references and sophomoric attempts at humor and...(oh, hey, maybe we shouldn't throw stones in glass houses). It's also known as "bolo ball" or the dickier "ladder golf" and guess what? This game still sucks monkey balls! Go play golf OR go bring down cattle, animals, and people with a real "bola." http://www.flight-toys.com/bolas.htm Don't try to combine the two for "lighthearted fun."

Other notable bolos that are way cooler than your gay game:
http://www.bolo-yeung.com/
http://www.rockymountainwestern.com/
http://www.lgm.com/bolo/intro/
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=bolo That's a cool site.

Next: Ban The Term " Sunday FunDay"

Town To New Farmer's Market: Go To Hell!

http://www.luminanews.com/article.asp?aid=4492&iid=171&sud=30

What the hell? Sounds like the town misplayed this ball like David Carradine with a curtain string. Hey, way to run a great idea into the ground. The above article makes things sound really fishy, like someone salted the earth of the farmer's market idea before it even debuted. But what did you expect, most of the town loves to shop at Harris Cheater and Fresh Market.

Nobody wanted this thing to work more than us. Seriously. The thought of vine-ripened tomatoes, fresh herbs and flowers, cheese, a variety of baked goods, potted garden and house plants, blueberries and strawberries, and everything else that every other farmer's market has to offer, for great prices, had us salivating on Sunday night like a fat person at Casey's Buffet. Then boom! Nothing. Empty. Psych.

OK, so it was the first week. The logistics of putting this thing together might have been a bit much to ask on such short notice and....blah, blah, whine, whatever.
The issue is, who the hell wants to wake up on a MONDAY morning and go to do ANYTHING, much less spend money. Monday sucks. Everyone you know thinks Monday sucks, including farmers. They partied all weekend, drank all their homemade wine and beer, smoked that herb they grow in the basement, ate some peyote and 'shrooms, and practiced their rabbit shooting skill with the .22 rifle. The last thing they want to do on Monday morning is deal with a bunch of Wrightsville Beach snobs and their strollers and spoiled-brat kids. Ask them if that's true next Monday.

So how about some solutions? It should be on Sunday. Why? From a marketing standpoint, it would make more sense to have a farmers market when everyone is at home, on one day of the weekend. Why? Let's get retarded: 1) Most people are not working on the weekends and can attend and buy stuff 2) More farmers can be there 3) It does not compete with Saturday's farmers market downtown for vendors, and locals don't have to travel down there 4) Even Jesus Freaks will be able to enjoy God's fresh bounty when they get out of church 5) People cook on Sundays and might enjoy some fresh ingredients for their Sunday Funday 6) Sunday is a better day to market to all these earthy-crunchy, wannabe hippie kids that should stop talking green and start living it.

That's just the tip of the iceberg. There are probably other reasons to pick Sundays, but let's give it a summer of Mondays and see what happens. But if the vendors are not making money then this great idea will be declared a failure and it will be gone. Best Wishes To All. Seriously.

Next: Two More Douchey Beach Games

Sick Joke Of The Week

A guys fucking his wife and they are really going at it. She's like, "Ohh, fuck me. Fuck me harder."
Their son little Timmy cracks open the door and pokes his head in. They don't see him and the wife is still like "Ahh, come on. Fuck me!"
The husband's like, "Yeah, baby. I'm gonna' fuck you and come all over you!"
Little Timmy walks into the room and stands at the foot of the bed.
The wife sees Timmy and says, "No Timmy! Get out of here! No! Stop! Timmy is in the room!"
The husband says, "I don't give a shit. I'm gonna' come all over you. Get the fuck out, Timmy!"
He pulls out and comes all over her right in front of Timmy.
Next day he gets home and he hears, "Oh, Timmy. Fuck me. Fuck my pussy, Timmy!"
He hears the moaning coming from Timmy's room; he runs upstairs and opens Timmy's door.
Timmy on the bed fucking his grandmother.
Timmy turns to his dad and says, "Ahh, it's not so funny when it's your mom, huh?"

Next: Farmers Don't Like Monday's Either

How To Get Arrested - 3 - Down At The Station

Disclaimer: The following is in no way legal advise, and if you think it is there is something wrong with you that being arrested won't fix or you obviously have not read the other posts. This list of scenarios is for entertainment purposes only.

When you get to the WB police station, you will be treated cordially. After all, you are now properly restrained and there really is no reason for you to be viewed as a threat. If you are calm you will asked to sit on a bench and your feet will be handcuffed to it. If you remain uncooperative you will be placed in a holding cell where you will wait until processing begins.

At this point it's all out of your hands unless your lawyer has presented himself at the station in order to discuss your release with the magistrate. If you are to be charged you will wait for the magistrate to arrive and he will not be happy that he had to get off his boat for you. The officer will discuss his reasons for the arrest, while you are not present, and the magistrate will usually buy the story and OK your sendoff to New Hanover County lockup. Before you leave, they will take a photo of you and the magistrate will ask you to sign off the fact that you understand the charges. You are then loaded into a patrol car for a 20 minute ride to "The County." Then the fun begins.

Where Have All the Fishies Gone?

http://www.fishermanspost.com/

The older dudes will tell you that they used to cast a line off the beach or off the jetties and they would catch fish all day. These days you have to wait to get the fish that you can clean and store in the freezer for the lean months. Summer fishing is off to a slow start this year. It could be the water temperature, or the global warming, or the fact that unchecked commercial fishing has cut a swath through the food chain that is suppose to provide bio-diversity and balance sustainable fishing. Just about every young fisherman will disagree, but the old dudes know. There has never been this few fish and it's time to realize we need to back off the seafood if we want our grandchildren to be able to enjoy fishing. Wake up, people.

Until then, grab the rod and reel and warm up the grill because you are a fool if you take money out of your almost empty pocket and pay grocery and seafood stores for something you can get a stone-throws distance from where you live. King and Spanish Mackerel, Flounder, Bluefish, Dolphin, Flatties, Red Drum, Snapper--all good eatin' and all waiting for you.

Find a friend with a boat, or pitch in and charter one (before the price of gas hits $4.50 again), and head out to the wild blue yonder for a day of polarized fun. Then gut and clean that baby, make some lame excuse about why you can't stay to help clean the boat, and grab some beer on the way home to a full belly and left-over fillets for the freezer.

Never mind this little tick on the marine radar. It will all blow over soon.
http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/news-article.aspx?storyid=132885

Next: Busted Part 3 - Down At The Local Cop Shop

Silly Beach Games

When you're sitting on the beach, burning your skin, hiding your beer, and staring at whatever parts of half-exposed bodies you prefer to look at, you may be asked by friendly beach goers to join in one or two of the few beach sports we enjoy at WB.

First, get to know the rules. Then tell the assholes to fuck off so you go back to watching cute boys or hot girls, if you know what's good for you.

Horseshoes - http://www.alphahorse.com/horseshoes-rules.html Ow. Your shoulder will hurt the next day because the horseshoes are heavy, and there is a really good chance you're going to get hit in the head with a 2 1/2 pound piece in metal that will put a dent in the side of your head.

Volleyball - http://westlake.k12.oh.us/Hilliard/whspe/volleyball/volleyball_rules.htm Perfect! It's really hot out so you want to sweat even more by playing a high-energy game with people who have no idea how to set up the ball.


Bocce Ball - http://www.ehow.com/how_3109_play-bocce-ball.html The rudest of the rude. This game is supposed to be played on a closed course so as not to annoy anyone else. Guess what? Some douces decided to start playing it on the beach and toss their sand-kicking balls all over everyone's space.

Next: Fish Till There Are No More Fish To Fish

How To Get Arrested - 2 - Don't Get Tased, Bra!

Disclaimer: The following is in no way legal advise, and if you think it is there is something wrong with you that being arrested won't fix or you obviously have not read the other posts. This list of scenarios is for entertainment purposes only.

http://www.taser.com/products/Pages/default.aspx

There are plenty of non-lethal ways for a cop to get your drunken, stupid ass under control without killing you.
The baton? That leaves nasty marks that can lead to lawsuits.
Mace/Pepper Spray? It might be too windy and the liquid will end up in everyone's eyes, and Marines might be immune.
Brass Knuckles? We think they banned those...maybe.
Aikido? They can't risk your grabbing at their gun.
So out come the tasers. Start breakdancing, scumbag!! Do the worm!

Tasers can kill. 330 people have died from taser related deaths since 2001. As more and more law enforcement agencies adopt the "less than lethal" control measure, the amount of annual deaths have steadily increased. Up to 50,000 volts in the human body can lead to heart failure in some people, and if you have two tasers shocking the hell out of you...well then you are twice as likely to die.

The taser was invented in 1966 by John Cover, who is certainly in Purgatory awaiting the verdict on whether he saved more lives with his invention than he caused deaths.
http://www.taser.com/pages/TASERSPLASH.aspx

Since then, through intense state and local lobbying efforts (mostly by hiring influential former cops and military men), Taser International, the company that controls the patent, has made sure that this tool has been added to the utility belt of as many crime-fighters as possible. Just YouTube "taser" and enjoy the videos of people wriggling in pain.

But tasers don't work on every one. Some super-villians have to power to outwit the crimefighter's newest tool. Apparently, if you are VERY high on all types of drugs (and naked), the taser is completely ineffective, as displayed here:

http://current.com/items/89993543_naked-wizard-taser-brawl-at-coachella-video-nsfw-warning-nudity.htm

So would you rather get shot with hollow-point bullets? Yeah, it's probably best to avoid both situations and comply, comply, comply. Just go slightly limp and be led to the police car. Once you get there you will find absolutely no leg room in the back seat and it's best if you just slide over and lie down on the seat. This also avoids some of the embarrassment caused by the fact that the people standing around will be cheering.

The handcuffs will be on as tight as possible and that is why it's always best to be about 20-30 pounds overweight; it lessens the amount of pain caused to the wrist bone during transportation to the station. Also, remember to kick at the rear window in homage to that classic episode of Cops.

Next: Games To Play On The Beach When You're Not Getting Busted

How To Get Arrested - Step One

Disclaimer: The following is in no way legal advise, and if you think it is there is something wrong with you that being arrested won't fix or you obviously have not read the other posts. This list of scenarios is for entertainment purposes only.

It's going to happen sooner or later. No matter who you are, or how well you behave, you will get caught in the web. There are ways to do it right and ways to make it worse. Here's a few simple rules that can make the experience less painful. Assuming you're not too messed up to remember them, and the bondsman trusts you, you should be out in no time--crying like a baby and psychologically damaged for life.

1 - Always carry the business cards of a bail bondsman and a lawyer on your person at all times. When you are at the WB police station, try to use the phone to contact both parties so your time at the county sheriffs lockup will be as short as possible. Having prepaid legal services is also a good way to have a sense of security about the whole situation.

2 - Know who you are dealing with. You can't talk to cops if they are jacked up and in your face with the taser at the ready. Sometimes it's just better to be quite, or rat on your friends, if your explanation doesn't seem to be going well enough. "May I go?" is a good way to end a conversation if it doesn't seem to be helping you; just expect that the answer will usally be, "Not yet, scumbag."

3 - Be polite and use the would "sir" in the calmest possible ways. Using boisterous and obscene language is another charge that can be heaped on, even after the arrest. " You're being a dick, Officer Sir," doesn't count.

4 - Do not resist in any way and say absolutely nothing that will be used against you, otherwise charges for "obstructing," "resisting," "delaying," and other charges will be heaped on the initial charge. Try to have reliable witnesses nearby that will be willing to testify on your behalf that you did not do any of the stuff they will try to heap on to make your charge look worse than it is.

5 - There's no way for you to know ALL of your rights; that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a working knowledge of them. You should take the time to get online and read the laws of your municipality every chance you get. It greatly reduces the chance of being railroaded if you can say, "Officer, I'm sorry to disagree with you but Article 9:19 of the WB code states that I can punch that guy in the face as many times as I want."

6 - Ask to speak to a supervisor and ask that person to please explain why you are being arrested instead of simply going along with what you are told by the arresting officer. That may not help you if the guy pummeling you IS the supervisor.

7 - Remember that police officers are not only trained to detect when you are lying, they are also trained to lie to "get to the truth." If they say, "Don't worry. You're going home as soon as you tell me what I want to know," don't count on it 100%.

Next: Don't Get Tased, Bro!

Royal Bank Of Canada - Best Of The Worst

http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/credit/2009-07-08-banks-overdraft-fees_N.htm/money/perfi/credit/2009-07-08-banks-overdraft-fees_N.htm

It's pretty shitty out there right now banking-wise. The banks in Wilmington are going down faster than that Thai hooker on the stairs of David Carradine's hotel. Cooperative Bank of Wilmington was the latest victim and turned up fresh as First Bank of Troy. 39 banks have failed so far nationally, two in Wilmington, NC. Cape Fear Bank was also "saved" by First Federal a few months ago.

What to do? This banking crisis isn't over and the banks are only going to get greedier as the market that they destroyed with their crappy lending, borrowing, and trading practices comes back to bite them in the cojones. The search for a decent bank gets tougher everyday because the new regulations will do nothing to protect the consumer from the banking lobby and the resulting feeding frenzy of competition for profits--at least not right away.

The friendliest and least greedy bank we've been able to find is Royal Bank Of Canada. They're friendly (without being fake) and they solve your problems quickly and without ramping up the consequent fees for every little mistake you might make. Sun Trust is probably the closest to RBC in the quality of service and convenience of banking.

Maybe the reason that RBC gives a shit is that they own the hockey arena in Raleigh and realize that messing around could be bad publicity for the team. If you're sick of BB&T stealing from you, or Bank Of America not staying out of the bad side of the news, or you're wondering what happened to all that great service at the credit union, and what the fuck went wrong at Well's Fargo/Wachovia, then RBC might be the right spot for you.

As far as Wachovia goes, does the term "Too Fast, Too Furious" mean anything? They cut their own throats with the garrote of greed and constant expansion, and no one who has worked for them or banked with them has one good thing to say about one of the largest failures in modern banking history. No such complaints at RBC...so far.

Next: Busted And Disgusted

Where To Get Your Drink On - Lighthouse Beer and Wine

http://www.lighthousebeerandwine.com/

Tap a fine-ass keg! Bust out the German dobblebocks! Sip the tangy taste of quality fermention!

You would think we're talking about a trip to the redlight district in Heidelberg, but no. We're just walking over to Lighthouse on Old Causeway Drive near the Post Office. Hmm, let's see hea' now...hmm...Holy shit!

-400 different types of beer! That has to be an exaggeration; it has got to be more like 384.

-It's the only place near the island to get kegs (lots of different types of keg beer) that we know of:
http://www.lighthousebeerandwine.com/Portals/0/documents/LighthouseKegList2009.pdf

-It's got plenty of the top selling wines (Who drinks that crap?).

-It's got cigars and American Spirit cigarettes.

-It's got beer and wine tastings (not enough of them!).

-It's got the infamous Lighthouse Beer Festival at Wilmington's Hugh Mac Rea Park. This year it will be held on October 17th.

-Did we forget anything? Oh yeah, it has outdoor seating so you can drink beer and smoke on the premises, then walk home in a haze of buzzing glory.

-And hey, what's this? It has catering? Beer catering? Jesus, Marias y Jose! Alright, that's not even right. We want these guys to do every wedding we ever have to go to that probably will just have cheap domestics and Heinekens without their help. Why didn't anyone tell us about this catering thing sooner? And where the hell is the sangria? Come on, man.

Next: Where To Get Your Banking On - RBC

Where To Get Gas and Beer - Salisbury Street Gas Station

When they closed the greatest Pizza Hut in the world that was at the north end of Banks Channel at Salisbury Street, it left a hole in the heart of every WB resident and frequent visitor; it was likened to the night they drove Old Dixie down. No one has ever forgiven Pizza Hut and the owner of the land for that. The pain was made worse by the fact that nothing was ever built on the land, which means that our beloved Pizza Hut, with its great lunch specials and BEER service overlooking the water, could still be there.
Then the Scotchman across the street closed and everyone on the north end had to go to the BP on Causeway Drive or go off the island for gas and overpriced Doritos when Robert's Grocery was closed for the day. Then the BP stopped selling gas and that opened the door for someone to reopen the old gas station on Salisbury because everyone keeps their gas tank near empty to avoid spending money they don't have.

So now this new station sells gas and overpriced Doritos and is run by a fairly nice fellow who seems to be of Middle Eastern heritage. He smiles, he's polite, he gives the correct change, he's employing American workers when he's not there. But still we have to hear the bullshit about not supporting the store because the money is going to Al Qaeda. Hey, until we see the Al Qaeda Handbook in his hands with a finger on the trigger, we're going to assume that the guy is just trying to live the American dream and support his family.

The jealousy involved in labeling the guy, who probably had to pass a back round check to buy a frickin' place anywhere near the state of NC, has been staggering . It's all well and good to hate people different from ourselves, but if they are providing a necessary service, like BEER and CIGARETTES and GAS and MUNCHIES and TOILET PAPER, you better back the fuck off because that guy is in the Circle of Friends On A Probationary Basis. Beer and cigarettes alone means we might mistakenly die for him, like Mr. White in the movie Reservoir Dogs.

Leave the guy alone and be thankful that he was able to get the investment money (from Allah knows where) to provide you with gas early in the morning when your tank is on E...again. We don't know his name, we don't know the name of the gas station--we don't need to know him by any other name but Mr. Orange.

Next: You'll Wreck If You Miss The Lighthouse

Private Club Bars NOT Exempt From No Smoking Ban

http://www.ncleg.net/Sessions/2009/Bills/House/PDF/H2v10.pdf

It looks like you will be outside smoking in the cold come January. The new NC law will not exempt bars that are "private clubs," where members have to sign in, from the new no smoking restrictions. The new law states:

“a country club or an organization that maintains selective members, is operated by the membership, does not provide food or lodging for pay to anyone who is not a member or a member’s guest, and is either incorporated as a nonprofit corporation in accordance with Chapter 55A of the General Statutes or is exempt from federal income tax under the Internal Revenue Code as defined in G.S. 105-130.2(1). For the purposes of this article, private club includes country club.”

The most important part there is, "and is either incorporated as a nonprofit corporation in accordance with Chapter 55A of the General Statutes or is exempt from federal income tax under the Internal Revenue Code."

Be seeing you in the outdoor smoking enclosure, unless you quit. Or we can hang at the new cigar bars that serve booze that just got the green light from the new law.

Next: Meet The New Bo$$, Same As The Old Bo$$

You Will Be Absorbed...Into The No Smoking Zone

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/06/22/obama-to-sign-antismoking_n_218784.html

Come on, Obama! This is just one big PR campaign and you know it. Everything else in our government is messed up so here is a softball you can hit out of the park. It's also a big con. The worst part of the con is that you smoke, hypocrite!

First the states double and triple the price of cigarettes so that those who cannot afford it have to quit. Once more people have quit (involuntarily) than those who had the willpower to do so on their own, that combined amount should outnumber the people who still smoke, thus swaying public opinion toward any anti-smoking measure that is proposed.

Those of us that have smoked for years are fully aware of the harmful and addictive effects of cigarettes--that's why we keep smoking them! There are very few things better that a stiff drink and a drag on a sweet cancer stick. Even better is a pull on the cigar (which is not part of the new regulations), the clove cigs that get you kind of high (not included), or the dip (ditto).

For years we've been kept in the dark about the additives in cigarettes, and we didn't care. We don't care what's in our processed food. We don't care what hormones are in our meats. We don't care what is in the air we breathe, what's in our water, what chemicals are used on our fruits and vegetables, what's leaking from our nuclear power plants, what mining and forestry mills are doing to our streams and rivers, etc., etc.

So why trying to affect some thing that we actually care about, Barack? What's up with that. We all know that every day, before you give one of your speeches that you insist on giving EVERY DAY, you take a few drags of Marlboro Lights to take the edge off. So why can't we take the edge off, too?

And by the way, now that the nicotine will be reduced so that they taste like Canadian cigarettes, you have effectively created a black market (no pun there) for today's stronger smokes. People will be loading up on them and selling them for the next year for plenty of money.

And what the hell is so bad about the additives that you want to allow the FDA, which can't even keep our food or our drugs safe, to regulate cigarettes? What link now?

http://quitsmoking.about.com/cs/nicotineinhaler/a/cigingredients.htm

Oh..ah...alright, even if all that shit were true, which is in doubt, that doesn't change any of the other dangers mentioned earlier. Another thing is that living in any major city is like smoking 2-3 packs a day because of the air pollution. Now if you live in an area with clean air and smoked a pack a day, you're doing better than most. Air, water, and food pollution deserves your attention and your pen. But lets face it, the industries that control those things are just not the soft targets that the cigarette smokers are. They can fight back.

"It is a law that will save American lives," Obama said. Hmm. We can think of a few more ways to save American lives...campaign promise...troops...ring any bells?

Next: Breakfast Burritos? Que? Hay, Mio!

Five Reasons Cape Fear Pirates Rule

http://www.thepiratesrealm.com/Carolinas.html

History has a long history of making shit up, but pirates are still real. Since the first seafarers there have been pirates in Asia, Africa and then the New World. There are now Somali pirates and Indonesian pirates and Amazonian pirates. There are pirates everywhere there is water. Inspiring tales from childhood and desperation for money are just two of the leading causes of piracy, and once you start earning money by taking rich people's stuff--as a pirate robber or mercenary--the lure of the life is not going away.

The Cape Fear Coast has a rich history of pirates that is celebrated in every town on the coast to this day. Pirates depend on the water for assault and escape; anyone else is just a regular highwayman, robber or common thief. So what makes pirates so damn cool?

1 - Chicks dig them. Long before Jack Sparrow, the image of a powerful rogue of a man sweeping the damsel from her feet was ingrained in society's consciousness by books and film. They were bad dudes who were going to take the women and the treasure of the establishment buffoons, and that was considered a good thing.

2 - Guys dig them. Most guys are still as poor as any other "middle-class" man in history, and today the "steal from the rich and maybe give to the poor" image is still a powerful draw for men who want to root for the good guy --as long as he is not a lawman.

3 - Moonshiners emulated them. These guys were just land-pirate smugglers--fighting the system and running from the Feds and trying to feed their workers and families. Thank God they did that, otherwise we might still be in Prohibition. If you love NASCAR, you can thank pirates.

4 - The Pirate Code. All for one and one for all--unless you really fuck up, then you're gone. This is still the best way to run an organized crime group or a multi-million dollar company. You get bonuses for production and you get whacked (or fired) for not following orders.

5 - Fantastic graphic design and a wicked sense of style. These dudes had their own cool flags and costumes and hip lingo (still used today) and did plenty of weird stuff to scare the hell out of their adversaries. The next time you are ready to get into a fight, light your hair or beard on fire and start screaming, then watch how people scurry away in fear.

Next: Smokes? Smokes? Got Smokes Here, Mon. Smoke It Up.