How To Get Arrested - 4 - "The County"

http://www.newhanoversheriff.com/Detention-Main.html

New Hanover County Jail is a supermax-style prison that is designed to destroy any memories of the life you had before you entered. It is a experiment in fear, disorientation, and hopelessness--and that's how the guards that work there feel! They have this glazed look in their eyes like they are bored. "Oh fuck, another 12 hour shift sitting on my ass in this hell-hole?" their eyes seem to groan. They smile at you while chewing gum, sizing you up to see if you're going to give them trouble.

Once the WBPD cars enter the facility and you are brought into the holding area for a continuation of the arduous process of booking, it might be a good time to sober up and realize that you are actually in trouble. At front desk area the officer will sign you over to the sheriff's office and ask questions that you don't have to answer like, "What's your religion?" Pentecostal Snake Worshipper Ministries of Duplain County is always good answer to that one.

Thirty more minutes of paperwork later, you are led to a holding cell. A few minutes later you are allowed to make a phone call to a bail bondsman or lawyer or family member. This your last chance to get bailed out if you don't want to go through the final phases of the booking process and be taken to the pods, which is the isolation-based holding facility deep within the prison. You'll usually get about 15 minutes or so to reach someone by phone to bail you out, but if your bail is set at about $500 or less it might be difficult to get a bondsman to come down there for such a small payoff. In that case you will have to get a friend or a family member to come down and pay the full amount for your release. More paperwork.

If you can't get bailed out, you will be interviewed by nurse about your medical and psychological condition. One of the questions you be asked is, " Do you have suicidal thoughts?" Do NOT answer with "Doesn't everyone?" because you will be placed in isolation and on suicide watch. Now is the time to start getting serious with you answers if you don't want to get fucked with by the prison employees. They can do a variety of things to make you stay tougher once they have red-flagged you as a troublemaker. We'll go into those later.

You will then be asked to remove your clothing and you will be issued prison garb and prison slippers (God only knows where and on whom those have been). Your photo will be taken by a digital camera and any tattoos you have will be documented. If you have committed a felony, a DNA sample will be taken in NC for the national database. You will be asked to strip down and take a shower and put on your new outfit, after which you will walk to the holding cell area. You carry a large plastic box that holds a towel, a toothbrush and toothpaste package, and a blanket to the holding area. The hallway are designed to disorient you so that if you attempt to escape you will end up between locked corridor doors and running down hallways that lead to dead ends.

Once you arrive at the pod area, your paperwork is given to the guards on duty. You are no longer person, you are a number and you are a guest of county of New Hanover and they are the worst hotel in town. You entered an institution of escalated punishment and you have yet to be found guilty of a crime. You are being reprimanded because you obviously need to be taught a lesson in civil behavior. You need to be conditioned and controlled so that the fear of being back at the county jail is the all you think about from this day forward. If you are guilty, and you know it, then you deserve everything you get. If you innocent or the charges are so petty as to be laughable, you're still screwed.

How To Get Arrested - 3 - Down At The Station

Disclaimer: The following is in no way legal advise, and if you think it is there is something wrong with you that being arrested won't fix or you obviously have not read the other posts. This list of scenarios is for entertainment purposes only.

When you get to the WB police station, you will be treated cordially. After all, you are now properly restrained and there really is no reason for you to be viewed as a threat. If you are calm you will asked to sit on a bench and your feet will be handcuffed to it. If you remain uncooperative you will be placed in a holding cell where you will wait until processing begins.

At this point it's all out of your hands unless your lawyer has presented himself at the station in order to discuss your release with the magistrate. If you are to be charged you will wait for the magistrate to arrive and he will not be happy that he had to get off his boat for you. The officer will discuss his reasons for the arrest, while you are not present, and the magistrate will usually buy the story and OK your sendoff to New Hanover County lockup. Before you leave, they will take a photo of you and the magistrate will ask you to sign off the fact that you understand the charges. You are then loaded into a patrol car for a 20 minute ride to "The County." Then the fun begins.

How To Get Arrested - 2 - Don't Get Tased, Bra!

Disclaimer: The following is in no way legal advise, and if you think it is there is something wrong with you that being arrested won't fix or you obviously have not read the other posts. This list of scenarios is for entertainment purposes only.

http://www.taser.com/products/Pages/default.aspx

There are plenty of non-lethal ways for a cop to get your drunken, stupid ass under control without killing you.
The baton? That leaves nasty marks that can lead to lawsuits.
Mace/Pepper Spray? It might be too windy and the liquid will end up in everyone's eyes, and Marines might be immune.
Brass Knuckles? We think they banned those...maybe.
Aikido? They can't risk your grabbing at their gun.
So out come the tasers. Start breakdancing, scumbag!! Do the worm!

Tasers can kill. 330 people have died from taser related deaths since 2001. As more and more law enforcement agencies adopt the "less than lethal" control measure, the amount of annual deaths have steadily increased. Up to 50,000 volts in the human body can lead to heart failure in some people, and if you have two tasers shocking the hell out of you...well then you are twice as likely to die.

The taser was invented in 1966 by John Cover, who is certainly in Purgatory awaiting the verdict on whether he saved more lives with his invention than he caused deaths.
http://www.taser.com/pages/TASERSPLASH.aspx

Since then, through intense state and local lobbying efforts (mostly by hiring influential former cops and military men), Taser International, the company that controls the patent, has made sure that this tool has been added to the utility belt of as many crime-fighters as possible. Just YouTube "taser" and enjoy the videos of people wriggling in pain.

But tasers don't work on every one. Some super-villians have to power to outwit the crimefighter's newest tool. Apparently, if you are VERY high on all types of drugs (and naked), the taser is completely ineffective, as displayed here:

http://current.com/items/89993543_naked-wizard-taser-brawl-at-coachella-video-nsfw-warning-nudity.htm

So would you rather get shot with hollow-point bullets? Yeah, it's probably best to avoid both situations and comply, comply, comply. Just go slightly limp and be led to the police car. Once you get there you will find absolutely no leg room in the back seat and it's best if you just slide over and lie down on the seat. This also avoids some of the embarrassment caused by the fact that the people standing around will be cheering.

The handcuffs will be on as tight as possible and that is why it's always best to be about 20-30 pounds overweight; it lessens the amount of pain caused to the wrist bone during transportation to the station. Also, remember to kick at the rear window in homage to that classic episode of Cops.

Next: Games To Play On The Beach When You're Not Getting Busted

How To Get Arrested - Step One

Disclaimer: The following is in no way legal advise, and if you think it is there is something wrong with you that being arrested won't fix or you obviously have not read the other posts. This list of scenarios is for entertainment purposes only.

It's going to happen sooner or later. No matter who you are, or how well you behave, you will get caught in the web. There are ways to do it right and ways to make it worse. Here's a few simple rules that can make the experience less painful. Assuming you're not too messed up to remember them, and the bondsman trusts you, you should be out in no time--crying like a baby and psychologically damaged for life.

1 - Always carry the business cards of a bail bondsman and a lawyer on your person at all times. When you are at the WB police station, try to use the phone to contact both parties so your time at the county sheriffs lockup will be as short as possible. Having prepaid legal services is also a good way to have a sense of security about the whole situation.

2 - Know who you are dealing with. You can't talk to cops if they are jacked up and in your face with the taser at the ready. Sometimes it's just better to be quite, or rat on your friends, if your explanation doesn't seem to be going well enough. "May I go?" is a good way to end a conversation if it doesn't seem to be helping you; just expect that the answer will usally be, "Not yet, scumbag."

3 - Be polite and use the would "sir" in the calmest possible ways. Using boisterous and obscene language is another charge that can be heaped on, even after the arrest. " You're being a dick, Officer Sir," doesn't count.

4 - Do not resist in any way and say absolutely nothing that will be used against you, otherwise charges for "obstructing," "resisting," "delaying," and other charges will be heaped on the initial charge. Try to have reliable witnesses nearby that will be willing to testify on your behalf that you did not do any of the stuff they will try to heap on to make your charge look worse than it is.

5 - There's no way for you to know ALL of your rights; that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a working knowledge of them. You should take the time to get online and read the laws of your municipality every chance you get. It greatly reduces the chance of being railroaded if you can say, "Officer, I'm sorry to disagree with you but Article 9:19 of the WB code states that I can punch that guy in the face as many times as I want."

6 - Ask to speak to a supervisor and ask that person to please explain why you are being arrested instead of simply going along with what you are told by the arresting officer. That may not help you if the guy pummeling you IS the supervisor.

7 - Remember that police officers are not only trained to detect when you are lying, they are also trained to lie to "get to the truth." If they say, "Don't worry. You're going home as soon as you tell me what I want to know," don't count on it 100%.

Next: Don't Get Tased, Bro!