Grin and Beer It - Part One

http://store.engrish.com/jt-016.html What a great t-shirt!

Today is one of those days when, if you are thirsty, and you don't want to drink water, you are reminded of the availability of "water with a kick." That's because today is beer delivery day at WB. The trucks are all lined up like little ducklings at the end of North Lumina, which is what is known as downtown WB. Beer delivery guys can be seen pushing huge dollies stacked with boxes of the elixir to the various bars and restaurants.

There are some types of beer that seem to be more popular than others around these here parts. Apart from the Bud Light and Miller Light (which are not beers, they are water with flavoring added) there is a special affinity at the beach for:

Corona and Corona Light - The ads are working. For years it has been impressed upon your brain that a sandy beach and Corona are the height of relaxation. Then you can further ruin a terrible beer by adding lime to it and tipping it over end so the lime floats and gets all in there. Whatever. One thing cannot be denied: If you are having a party, and there are going to be women there, you need to have a case of Corona Lights handy for your special guests. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corona_(beer)

Pabts Blue Ribbon - Yes, this is a man's drink, and it is also a manly woman's drink. There is nothing dainty about the 16oz can, much less the 24oz they sell at Lagerheads. The design on the can is...well, it's not really designed to appeal to anyone in particular. It's been around since 1844 and it really doesn't seem to give a fuck if you don't like it. It's the working man/woman's beer and they sell a whole lot of it at the bars that don't depend on pretentious customers to stay afloat. It is a bargain, it is decent tasting, and it is does not give you a terrible hangover. Hippie chicks like this beer, so be considerate of your guests and provide PBR and essential oils at your next party. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pabst_Brewing_Company

Dos Equis - This is another Mexican beer that reminds the locals of beaches and fun. The ad campaign featuring "the most interesting man in the world" (http://www.slate.com/id/2218849/) , one of the best in recent memory, may have run its course, but it did well at suggesting that more people try this brand that is really very good. The amber variety seems to outsell the lager by quite a bit, and once again you should add a lime to ruin an otherwise good beer. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dos_Equis#Dos_Equis

Longboard - Buy, surfer scum! Buy! This Hawaiian beer has quite a few varieties and started off with a bang on the beach about a year ago. It is not available in very many places, but if you manage to find it on tap, go for it! But for God's sake, do not, for any reason, try the Wailua Wheat variety. Man, that one tastes like someone squeezed grass (lawn grass) into a bottle of beer and capped it, but the Lager and the Firerock are exceptional. There is a variety for every taste. http://www.konabrewingco.com/beers

Next: Wild Wing Cafe Is Not Really a Cafe'

Silly Beach Games

When you're sitting on the beach, burning your skin, hiding your beer, and staring at whatever parts of half-exposed bodies you prefer to look at, you may be asked by friendly beach goers to join in one or two of the few beach sports we enjoy at WB.

First, get to know the rules. Then tell the assholes to fuck off so you go back to watching cute boys or hot girls, if you know what's good for you.

Horseshoes - http://www.alphahorse.com/horseshoes-rules.html Ow. Your shoulder will hurt the next day because the horseshoes are heavy, and there is a really good chance you're going to get hit in the head with a 2 1/2 pound piece in metal that will put a dent in the side of your head.

Volleyball - http://westlake.k12.oh.us/Hilliard/whspe/volleyball/volleyball_rules.htm Perfect! It's really hot out so you want to sweat even more by playing a high-energy game with people who have no idea how to set up the ball.


Bocce Ball - http://www.ehow.com/how_3109_play-bocce-ball.html The rudest of the rude. This game is supposed to be played on a closed course so as not to annoy anyone else. Guess what? Some douces decided to start playing it on the beach and toss their sand-kicking balls all over everyone's space.

Next: Fish Till There Are No More Fish To Fish

Where To Get Your Drink On - Lighthouse Beer and Wine

http://www.lighthousebeerandwine.com/

Tap a fine-ass keg! Bust out the German dobblebocks! Sip the tangy taste of quality fermention!

You would think we're talking about a trip to the redlight district in Heidelberg, but no. We're just walking over to Lighthouse on Old Causeway Drive near the Post Office. Hmm, let's see hea' now...hmm...Holy shit!

-400 different types of beer! That has to be an exaggeration; it has got to be more like 384.

-It's the only place near the island to get kegs (lots of different types of keg beer) that we know of:
http://www.lighthousebeerandwine.com/Portals/0/documents/LighthouseKegList2009.pdf

-It's got plenty of the top selling wines (Who drinks that crap?).

-It's got cigars and American Spirit cigarettes.

-It's got beer and wine tastings (not enough of them!).

-It's got the infamous Lighthouse Beer Festival at Wilmington's Hugh Mac Rea Park. This year it will be held on October 17th.

-Did we forget anything? Oh yeah, it has outdoor seating so you can drink beer and smoke on the premises, then walk home in a haze of buzzing glory.

-And hey, what's this? It has catering? Beer catering? Jesus, Marias y Jose! Alright, that's not even right. We want these guys to do every wedding we ever have to go to that probably will just have cheap domestics and Heinekens without their help. Why didn't anyone tell us about this catering thing sooner? And where the hell is the sangria? Come on, man.

Next: Where To Get Your Banking On - RBC

Where To Get Gas and Beer - Salisbury Street Gas Station

When they closed the greatest Pizza Hut in the world that was at the north end of Banks Channel at Salisbury Street, it left a hole in the heart of every WB resident and frequent visitor; it was likened to the night they drove Old Dixie down. No one has ever forgiven Pizza Hut and the owner of the land for that. The pain was made worse by the fact that nothing was ever built on the land, which means that our beloved Pizza Hut, with its great lunch specials and BEER service overlooking the water, could still be there.
Then the Scotchman across the street closed and everyone on the north end had to go to the BP on Causeway Drive or go off the island for gas and overpriced Doritos when Robert's Grocery was closed for the day. Then the BP stopped selling gas and that opened the door for someone to reopen the old gas station on Salisbury because everyone keeps their gas tank near empty to avoid spending money they don't have.

So now this new station sells gas and overpriced Doritos and is run by a fairly nice fellow who seems to be of Middle Eastern heritage. He smiles, he's polite, he gives the correct change, he's employing American workers when he's not there. But still we have to hear the bullshit about not supporting the store because the money is going to Al Qaeda. Hey, until we see the Al Qaeda Handbook in his hands with a finger on the trigger, we're going to assume that the guy is just trying to live the American dream and support his family.

The jealousy involved in labeling the guy, who probably had to pass a back round check to buy a frickin' place anywhere near the state of NC, has been staggering . It's all well and good to hate people different from ourselves, but if they are providing a necessary service, like BEER and CIGARETTES and GAS and MUNCHIES and TOILET PAPER, you better back the fuck off because that guy is in the Circle of Friends On A Probationary Basis. Beer and cigarettes alone means we might mistakenly die for him, like Mr. White in the movie Reservoir Dogs.

Leave the guy alone and be thankful that he was able to get the investment money (from Allah knows where) to provide you with gas early in the morning when your tank is on E...again. We don't know his name, we don't know the name of the gas station--we don't need to know him by any other name but Mr. Orange.

Next: You'll Wreck If You Miss The Lighthouse

Six Things NOT To Do On The Sand

1 - Don't bring coolers of beer and booze and think that this is Florida. If the cops see you with a can of beer they will fine you $100. You CAN bring cups and pour the beer into the cups, but don't let them see you doing that. If you don't know what dicks they can be you should read the earlier post about the local constabulary. They will walk up to your cooler and tell you to empty every unopened beer can, and that will suck for you.

2 - Do not shake out your sandy towels in the proximity of other beach goers. Simple physics dictates that the very light granules that are trapped in your towel will travel on the air and end up on other people. Roll up your wet, sandy, Sponge Bob towel and take it as far away from others as possible, maybe even near your car, and shake it all day long like a baby that won't stop crying.

3 - Don't drink any fluids. The only bathrooms are located at Johnney Mercers Pier, any bar or restaurant that might be open, and near Wings and Trolley Stop. So if you are not near one of these, avoid drinking fluids on 95-degree days as much as possible. Of course this may lead to dehydration, kidney failure and death.

4 - Don't swim. Under no circumstances should you enter the water with the intention of going for a refreshing swim or for the purpose of exercise. The rip tide at WB are notorious for dragging swimmers to their deaths. Ask Michael Jordan about how the rip tide here almost killed him when he was a kid. Next time you run into Wilmington's most famous person, and he's talking shit (which he often does), just yell, "Hey Micheal, lets go swimming at Wrightsville Beach!" It is is the only thing that is guaranteed to shut that guy up. That's how powerful those words can be. Without some sort of flotation device you are going down to Michael Jordan's childhood friend's town.

5 - For Christ's sake, realize that flip flops are not designed for use on a crowded beach where people are lying down; they kick up a lot of sand that has to land somewhere, usually in someone else's eye. Please remove your flops if the beach is crowded to avoid getting a bottle of sun tan lotion thrown at your head.

6- Should be #1 for EVERYONE! Do not litter and leave your crap to be blown around like you are at Myrtle Beach. Food wrapping, cups, cans, cigarette butts, and your drunk boyfriend are all considered trash and they will end up fuckin' up what is considered to be a very clean piece of coastline. There are garbage cans everywhere, and once they get full it would be nice if you took your shit back to you car and to your house to dispose of them. We know it's asking a lot, but if you can't even do that much after having such a great time it shows a lack of gratitude for a wonderful day.

Next: I'm Not Cheap, My Server Sucked