Raise Your Glasses And Cups To The Fallen: To Rex

If tears could build a stairway and memories were a lane
We would walk right up to heaven
And bring you back again
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why
Our hearts still ache in sadness and secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know
But now we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store
Since you'll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A cherished place within our heart
Is where you'll always stay

What Not To Eat - Any Sushi, Anywhere, Ever

In the 1920's, anything Japanese was considered cool in the U.S. We adopted their garden architecture, art, and food. Then the first sushi restaurants opened in New York and San Fransisco, and we have not looked back since.

Yes, we know it supposed to be healthy. Yes, we know the presentation can seem sooo exotic. Yes, we know it makes chicks moist when they eat it. That last reason should be enough to get us to condone the eating of sushi, but it is not gonna' happen because mercury in the fish supply is way more unhealthy than the benefits of eating certain raw fish.
From: http://www.nrdc.org/health/effects/mercury/sushi.asp

Guide to Mercury in Sushi
Women who are pregnant or planning to become pregnant should be especially careful about eating sushi. Many of the fish chosen for sushi are the apex predators of the fish food chain, which means they can bear high concentrations of mercury. The following list highlights sushi choices highest and lowest in mercury.

LOWER MERCURYAkagai (ark shell) 1Anago (conger eel) 1Aoyagi (round clam) Awabi (abalone) 1Ayu (sweetfish) Ebi (shrimp)* Hamaguri (clam) Hamo (pike conger; sea eel) 1Hatahata (sandfish) Himo (ark shell) 1Hokkigai (surf clam) Hotategai (scallop)* Ika (squid) Ikura (salmon roe) Kaibashira (shellfish) Kani (crab) Karei (flatfish) Kohada (gizzard shad) Masago (smelt egg) Masu (trout) Mirugai (surf clam) Sake (salmon) Sayori (halfbeak) 1Shako (mantis shrimp) Tai (sea bream) 1Tairagai (razor-shell clam) 1Tako (octopus) Tobikko (flying fish egg) Torigai (cockle) Tsubugai (shellfish) Unagi (freshwater eel) 1Uni (sea urchin roe)

HIGH MERCURYAhi (yellowfin tuna)Aji (horse mackerel) 1Buri (adult yellowtail) 1Hamachi (young yellowtail) 1Inada (very young yellowtail) 1Kanpachi (very young yellowtail) 1Katsuo (bonito) 1Kajiki (swordfish)*Maguro (bigeye*, bluefin* or yellowfin tuna)Makjiki (blue marlin)*Meji (young bigeye*, bluefin* or yellowfin tuna)Saba (mackerel)Sawara (Spanish mackerel)Seigo (young sea bass)*Shiro (albacore tuna)Suzuki (sea bass)*Toro (bigeye*, bluefin* or yellowfin tuna)

O.K. Then there's the fact that the greed of the Japanese tuna market is poised to destroy what is left of the planet's bluefin tuna population. A bluefin caught off the coast of Maine is shipped to Japan and then back to your plate after the price has been gouged more times than a middle-aged courtesan.
http://www.independent.co.uk/environment/nature/revealed-the-bid-to-corner-worlds-bluefin-tuna-market-1695479.html
and
http://trueslant.com/hivemind/2009/07/10/is-the-mafia-stealing-your-tuna/your-tuna/

So the next time your partner suggest that you go out to eat sushi, make sure you accept to make them happy and horny, then go to the bathroom and use your fingers to get rid of the poison, order some saki, and reap the benefits of a sushi-induced aphrodisiac evening. Bluefin tuna sashimi supercedes blue balls everytime.

Next: A Prayer For Rex

Sick Joke Of The Week - Roberts Market - Southport, NC

This is a joke, right? They did not give Southport a better Robert's (veggies look good!) and left us hanging by filling our Robert's with Rita's and Port City Java and less foodstuff? Who knew?

http://stjamesmarina.net/Roberts.html

http://akamai.myvirtualpaper.com/doc/Vincent-Publishing/2008_St._James_Fall_DE/2008082201/44.html

Next: Stick To The Figurative Sushi

Where To Eat - Two Guys Grille

http://www.twoguysgrille.com/

Wrightsville Beach 7110 Wrightsville Ave. Wilmington, NC 28403 Phone: 910-256-3339
College Road 1201 S. College Rd. Wilmington, NC 28403 Phone: 910-794-3329

We never understood how the French word that refers to a metal wall or plate with holes that allows air through it (grille) replaced the English word for a place that food that is grilled (grill), but whatever. English is a constantly changing language and restaurants now call themselves grille all the time. Just goes to show that we don't know squat.


Two Guys Grille is named for the two partners that started the venture. They opened a location on College Road in Wilmington to tap into that very eager and hungry market of college students that line up near the UNCW campus. It's also a great location for traffic that is riding to and from I-40. The original local location, at the other side of the drawbridge from WB, is where we have had a chance to try most of the menu.

Faye had the burger, which was really not that special, but it was a good burger by burger standards. My favorite items are the Classic Rueben and any of the great chicken sandwiches. There's also a great selection of seafood sandwiches which is a nice addition to have when you are anywhere near the beach. The fries are real potato--always a good thing. And you should ALWAYS ask for the sweet potato fries. Vegetarians should hook up with the Black Bean Philly; it is exceptional.

Look. What you have to understand about Two Guys is that it is excellent, young people fast food. The decor, which relies on the surfboard theme, is geared toward the young and the young at heart. It's basically a surf diner. It's good. It's not great, but you'll be able to find stuff you like. Give it a try and go from there. It can get a little noisy and irritating around lunch time because of of the din from the crowd noise and kids (Learn to put a leash on your kids, people. It's not your living room and we're trying to eat!), but sitting outside at either location is far more pleasant.

We do not recommend that you get the food to go, because like most food of this type, it will not taste as good once you get home and it's all soggy; it is a diner, after all. Oh. Sorry. It's a grille.

Next: Get Your Veggies In Southport

Help Send Three Local Surf Friends To Hawaii

Electric Sunglasses is holding a contest that will send three employees from the shop that sells the most frames on an all expenses paid trip to Hawaii. All they have to do is sell the most frames before September 7th, 2009.

We encourage everyone to go to Wrightsville Beach Supply Company and pick up a pair of shades so that three of our local friends can get in the surfing of a lifetime.

Next: Grilleing With The Two Guys

Town Targeting Local Bar On Sketchy Noise Complaints?

The previous article took the stance that the sound of breaking bottles is a very disconcerting event that detrimentally affects the body's chemical balance and may drive you bat shit crazy if you have to often deal with it. We were talking about that happening over the course of hours and not at the end of a business day for a few seconds.

Last weekend, according to the Lumina News: "John Paul Joseph Shellem, a manager at Red Dogs, was cited for a noise violation and then was later arrested for dumping empty bottles. He was transported to the New Hanover County Sheriff's Office where he received a $600 secured bond."

It is the job of the staff on duty of any bar to empty the bottles into containers for the purpose of recycling and health. It would appear, from words exchanged with the officers on the scene, that vague noise violation statutes are being enforced at a higher rate this year than usual. In the past, a courteous knock on the door or a warning ticket had been the method of dealing with unruly neighbors, but in recent months officers have been seen sitting outside Lagerheads with a decibel meter and they have now banned the 35 year old routine practice of emptying empty bottles.

Noise violations are usually not enforced after 7 AM because that is when construction can begin. Perhaps it is the wish of the residents who complained (if they even exist, because cops have been known to make shit up) that the staff of Red Dogs come into work at 7 AM, gather all the bottles they can from their other friends that own bars all across Wilmington and Wrightsville Beach, and dump thousands of bottles into the container. They could do this every morning until the neighbors complain and Red Dogs is allowed to take out the trash as it has been doing long before the owners of the new houses behind it were lucky enough to not be cum stains on their daddy's balls.

There's more to come on this issue.

Next: Electric Hawaii Contest

Smashing The Bottle Over Your Own Head

http://stress.about.com/od/stressmanagementglossary/g/FightorFlight.htm

As you may have heard, the recycling laws for NC bars have resulted in the separation of bottles and cans by bartenders while they are serving customers. On busy nights, they tend to become adept at tossing the bottles from a few feet away, in order to save time and attend to more people. The smaller the bar, the more likely it will be that bottles are getting smashed into other bottles in the bottle garbage can, since a larger bar would have a bar attendant to quietly dispose of the bottles, or have more containers for bottles set up closer to the bartender. (That's a world record for using the word "bottle" in a paragraph.)

Sound is created by pressure change in the air. The measurement of that change is in units called Hertz. Humans recognize sounds from 20 hertz to 20 Kilohertz. Breaking glass is at about 3 to 5 Kilohertz (3-5 thgousand hertz) and are probably amplified within the garbage can which would act as a megaphone cone. It is also preferable to the bar establishments that the glass bottles break within the can so that they can fit more into the outdoor recycling bin.

Forcefully smashing bottles into a container that projects a loud sound and constantly elicits a fight-or-flight response from customers would not be considered the best way to run a bar in a world with common sense, but there are exceptions: say the music in the bar or nightclub is already really loud, as to exceed the sound of the breaking glass. But if the bar is relatively quiet, and you are smashing bottles into a container, you are wrecking your hearing, the hearing of whoever else is nearby, and you are doing something even stupider: you are making your customers uncomfortable and basically telling them to get the hell out of your bar which takes money out the door.
Now go break some more glass to try to exorcise you personal demons. Uga Booga!

Next: "Who is it?" "Hooker." "Go away."

Visit The Wrightsville Beach Museum of History

http://www.wbmuseum.com/

If you are a tourist you are bound to miss it, which is a shame because it is designed and maintained for you. If you live near here, you've walked by it or driven past it many times without noticing that is tucked away near the tennis courts off Salisbury Street. Either way, you are missing a treat if you don't park your car and take a few minutes out of your day to enjoy one of the few hidden jewels the island has to offer. Take a loved one, the kids, or a couple of friends and get a feel for how the island paradise originated and how it changed over the years.

The museum's website does not convey the scale of what we consider to be one of the coolest miniature representation of bygone days. Encased in glass, and highly detailed, this bird's eye view of old-time Fantasy Island will impress the hell out of adult and kids alike. There are great photos and reconstructed rooms inside the cottage, and it is all a must-see. A piece of the railroad that used to bring the train to the island sits out front and....ah, just go see this cool place already, and realize that progress is not always a good thing when it messes up something that was so pretty.

The staff was very friendly and they took the time to explain just about every artifact. It made us kind of feel that they don't get many visitors there to gush about the wonder that was Wrightsville Beach. You should get over there soon.

Next: ?

Things That Suck

Web Theme - Sucka' MCs

Here's a short list of things on the web that suck. Some are serious and some are tongue-in-cheek. Get it? Ha...that sucked.

Why Facebook Sucks
http://vanelsas.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/5-reasons-why-facebook-sucks/

Skateboarding Sucks
http://www.skateboardingsucks.com/

iPhone Sucks Also
http://iphonesucks.blogspot.com/

Twitter Sucks More
http://nakedpr.com/2007/12/18/my-beef-with-twitter/

BB&T Sucks Worser
http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/credit/2009-07-08-banks-overdraft-fees_N.htm

This E-mag
http://wrightsvillebeachbum.blogspot.com/

Discuss Race Relations Over Beer? Usually, Not A Good Idea - Grin And Beer It - Part 3

On Wednesday we posted a photo of President Obama drinkin' a beer with common folk while he was on the campaign trail. On Friday, Mr. Cool invited the police officer that arrested the highest regarded American black academic (in his own home) to the White House for a beer, as a way to diffuse the political faux pas he made by saying the officer had "acted stupidly."

You don't have to respect the President and his views (it's not in the Constitution) but you have to now respect one thing that makes this asshole a little better than the last one--the motherfucker drinks beer!

Dr. Henry Gates, the arrested, was also invited to the kegger. But what kind of beer does the cop drink? We will bet you a thousand dollars it is not the same beer those two rich, black, university graduates drink!

Ha, Ha. That's America. Now everyone shut up and get back to something important... And you hurry up and fix every other problem, Hope Guy. Cheers.
------------------------------------------
Here are a few more beers that are selling hot on the WB this summer:

Dead Guy Ale - It's got lots of barley flavor. It taste like it has a high alcohol content but it's only 6.6, and it sells to a lot of people who want to look like they are boozing but are actually taking it normal. Come on. Dead Guy Ale? You should be dead after drinking 10 of those, right? Wrong? The ones who drink Dead Guy just know better than to be seen with beers that taste like crap and fillers AND have no kick. http://www.rogue.com/beers/dead-guy-ale.php

Blue Moon - It's one of the few beers, if not the only one, that is actually improved with the addition of citrus. It's usually served with a slice of orange, and if you are used to it like that and you go somewhere where they are out of orange slices, you will realize it is just an O.K. tasting beer. But with a big slice of orange squeezed into it, it is the most refreshing, abnormally good tasting beers on the market. Once again, it's very medium on the alc. content list so you can drink them up without getting messed up. http://www.bluemoonbrewingcompany.com/

Magic Hat - Vermont is way ahead of Colorado microbrew-wise. There are microbreweries in practically every gas station and convenience store. For some reason this is the brew that has caught on nationally and has benefited from its excellent marketing and graphic design. How is the beer? It is crisp and has a bit of bite, sort of like a Vermont winter morning. Again, medium alc. content and you can knock back quite a few during the day and not appear completely stupid and shit-faced.http://www.magichat.net/ By the way, Tim Burton designed a very annoying website for this company!

All of these beers are sipped by the cool, hippie types. Odds are that if you are trying to get some smokes and see someone drinking any of the above beers, you should go hang out with them. Just kidding. There are no longer any such people as hippies and our state does not yet see the value of taxable revenue in the sale of another mind-alteration substance besides alcohol.

Next?

Trying To Raise Money To Purchase Dog With Five Legs

Please mail your donations so that we can add this adorable pup to our Loop Puppy Rental Service Kennel. We truly believe that this amazing, cute pup will be best served by being a part of our outcall service. Thanks. http://www.myspace.com/palmroom

Full Story:

http://www.nypost.com/seven/07232009/news/regionalnews/brooklyn/fight_breaks_out_over_five_legged_puppy_180899.htm

We are also considering adding this other adorable animal, although it is a cat...with wings.

Next: Beer Heals All (Perceived) Wounds

Atencion Turistas!! Es Muy Importante! Es Muy Peligroso!! Andale!!

http://www.bestplaces.net/City/Wrightsville_Beach-North_Carolina.asp

Click on the Overview items within the link for more info. Here are a few cool ejemplos:

Our cost of living indices are based on a US average of 100. An amount below 100 means Wrightsville Beach, NC is cheaper than the US average. A cost of living index above 100 means Wrightsville Beach, NC is more expensive. Overall, Wrightsville Beach, NC cost of living is 229.81.
(***Note: Jesus y Marias! Donde tequila de chicha y nabo?)

There are 352 physicians per 100,000 population in Wrightsville Beach, NC. The US average is 170.
(***Note: That's GREAT news! Take that, US Average!)

Air quality in Wrightsville Beach, NC is 39 on a scale to 100 (higher is better). This is based on ozone alert days and number of pollutants in the air, as reported by the EPA.
(***Note: Getting worried...underarm sweating...throat scratchy.)

Water quality in Wrightsville Beach, NC is 68 on a scale to 100 (higher is better). The EPA has a complex method of measuring watershed quality using 15 indicators.
(***Note: Whew! We were worried for a minute there. Wait. What do they mean by "complex method?" Agua de Playa Wrightsvillo no bueno, papi?)

Superfund index is 20 on a scale to 100 (higher is better). This is upon the number and impact of EPA Superfund pollution sites in the county, including spending on the cleanup efforts.
(***Alert! You tourists need to get the hell out of here while you can still have babies. Just be sure to spend all you vacation money first. Thanks.)

The median home cost in Wrightsville Beach is $743,480. Home appreciation the last year has been -8.90 percent.
(***Note: Why are the rents going up? Taxes. Click on the link for even cooler stats and to fret about other towns. Frankly, we're not believing any on these numbers. That would mean that this is a terrible place to live, and it is not so...)

Next: Five Lies Don't Make A Right, But Five Legs Do.

Grin And Beer It - Part 2

Sierra Nevada - This beer seems to be consistently popular with the just-over-thirty crowd that are in a mellow mood and want to stay that way; they are not the type to do shots or get in fights. This beer is just like the people who drink it: smooth, calm, and kind of hippie boring. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sierra_Nevada_Brewing_Company

Fat Tire - Oh, the hoopla created over the introduction of this Colorado beer to the beach was even bigger than the screams about Michael passing away. The excitement seems to have died down quite a bit, and there seem to be less and less people ordering the 22 oz., $5 bottles that were so hot in the springtime. That's too bad because it is a very, very good beer. The reaction from most people seems to be that it is way too sweet, but that flavor sort of goes away once you get half way through the bottle, and the high you get from drinking a bottle is a very happy feeling. The price is probably what is keeping the sales down, plus the fact that such a large bottle will get warm real quick like out on the porch in the warm air of the South, while it may have been fine in Colorado. It's also a great bottle to use for hitting people over the head. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Belgium_Brewing_Company

Pacifico - This is one of the better sellers on the island. It taste way better than Corona and, once again, you get that feeling of being in Mexico and being all beachy. Lots of the surfing types swear by this beer and will drink the hell out of it when it's affordable. Tower 7 and Lagerheads sell a shitload of the stuff all year round, so get on the bandwagon and give it a swig. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pac%C3%ADfico

Next: Es Mal, Chica. Es Muy Mal.

Where To Eat And Drink - Downtown Wilmington - Hell's Kitchen

http://www.hellskitchenbar.com/

When a fire ravaged the club next door on New Year's Day 2009, the smoke damage to Hell's Kitchen was too extensive to avoid not doing some remodeling. Fans of Dawson's Creek will still feel right at home in a bar that was a featured interior set for the show for over five years, from 1998 to 2003. The floor, ceiling, tables, and chairs all have fresh coats of paint and polish that have essentially remade the formerly grimy Hell's Kitchen into something more like the Gordon Ramsey's versions of the same name. It's more like Hell's Demo Kitchen in there, and it is a pleasant change that is easy to get used to.

Not much else has changed. The menu is still the same; it features good, affordable bar food. The musical lineup is still the same; they feature plenty of local bands. The service is still the same; it's professional and speedy.

We were there recently for Monday Night Trivia. There was a sedate crowd for a warm night and it was a far cry from Kefi's boisterous version on Wednesday night. Nevertheless, everyone seemed to be having a great time, and the host seemed to have no problem rattling off questions and answers. We're not exactly saying it was boring, but... O.K. It was boring, and so is this article. What did we expect for an early Monday night? Check it out for yourself on a more hopping evening.

Next: More Local's Beer Favorites

Downtown Wilmington Is Going To The Young Dogs!

If you happen to stroll through downtown Wilmington lately, you will see a changing of the guard that is positive sign of progress. There are many new businesses owned by young people who have chosen to tough out the sagging economy by harnessing their ingenuity and become entrepreneurs.

Everywhere you turn you'll see innovative young people successfully making their own path. It started years ago with The Whiskey, Cape Fear Beer and Wine, and Edge of Urge, and there are now more and more young turks ready to pick up the slack as businesses like Kingoff's flee what is no longer their target market area. Did you know that there are now TWO skate shops on Front Street that are thriving?

This week marks the first week that we featured an upstart startup business (Coastal Cupcakes), and we now realize that it is time to start featuring other businesses that are near enough for you to visit, whether they are established or new to downtown Wilmington.

Next: Hell's Kitchen Is Too Clean

Sick Joke Of The Week

This is not really a Sprite ad, but it's still not right.



http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/20/sprite-blow-job-ad-banned_n_240851.html

Mayoral Election Opponents Set To Roll

http://www.luminanews.com/article.asp?aid=4612&iid=175&sud=30

Most people in this country don't live anywhere where the incumbent mayor runs for reelection unopposed. You would have to live in the most backward small town, politically apathetic banana republic, Middle East oligarchy, or Eastern European police state, to run for a high-profile office like mayor of a profitable town completely unopposed. That's exactly what happened with the last mayoral election at Wrightsville Beach, NC.

The results have been mixed, but the response to citizens complaints have been swiftly addressed and resolved by a mayor and Board of Alderman that often lean toward strict interpretation of the law. The fear of the outsiders (tourists and off-islanders) have resulted in a set of regulations that have quietly enforced the foundations of exclusivity that had kept Fantasy Island out of the spotlight for so long. Some frequent visitors have been quietly going to Carolina Beach and elsewhere on the Outer Banks to enjoy the sunshine with their families and friends. WB is just too much trouble, they say.

Have you seen many dogs on The Loop this summer? Do you know someone who has been pulled over for the ubiquitous reason of going five miles over the speed limit? Do you know someone who has gotten a noise complaint ticket without getting a warning to turn it down? Have certain businesses been targeted for tickets while others have not. Do you know someone that's been treated discourteously by peace officers for the slightest infractions of the law. How many people do you know were detained for blowing exactly .08 on the Breathalyzer, without ever seeing the number. Is The Plan working perfectly?

The Internet has already caught the town off-guard. A few Myspace pages with photos of the beach, the bars, and Masonboro Island is all that's been needed to get half of Goldsboro down here for the weekend. And it is now impossible to hide this little jewel of the coast from prying eyes with the advent of this: http://maps.google.com/help/maps/streetview/%20It It's coming soon. We do live at the terminus of a highway.

Soon a new Mr. Roark may be chosen to lead the town into the next decade of the Computer Age, since there are two men now running for the office of mayor. The foundation of American democracy--the small town election--is about to get another test, and we encourage everyone to play a part. We wish the best of luck to both men. The person with the most votes will win but, at least, this time we have a choice.

http://www.reuters.com/article/domesticNews/idUSTRE56J4UK20090720

Next: Sprite. Better Than Cupcakes.

Where To Eat Desert - Coastal Cupcakes

http://www.coastalcupcakes.com/Home/tabid/36/Default.aspx

A few months ago, the new location near the foot of the drawbridge, on the Wilmington side, opened and we thought, "Cupcakes? Who will buy cupcakes?" It turns out that most people can't bake them, and they will buy them.

We had heard about the one downtown doing well at its location on Princess Street but lets face it, downtown is full of freaks. Walking down there is like walking on the wild side of a community college. Wait! What? Why would these wannabe Bohemians, short-haired lesbians, and the grand kids of punk rockers want to eat cupcakes? There was no easy answer until the Wrightsville Avenue location opened. Then we realized that EVERYONE loves cupcakes! A history of the origins of this people-pleaser is detailed below:

http://iml.jou.ufl.edu/projects/Spring07/Ayers/history.html

Cupcakes are a comfort food, and they are not very expensive, which makes them the perfect recession food. A quick bite on-the-go works, or you can grab a few for desert if you plan on cooking dinner at home. It's like your own little birthday cake that you can have on any day. Want to soften up a potential love interest? Offer them one or two of these babies, along with some flowers, and watch the sparks fly in your direction. Awwww.

Alright, this is turning weepy. Isn't there something to be hated about cupcakes and the people who eat them? Otherwise, this is going to be one soppy review. We tried really hard to nitpick and be snobby about Coastal Cupcakes, but we could not find one gosh-darned thing to fault. See, even this article has become devoid of curse words and vitriol, because cupcakes really do put you in a great mood. This is one of the few businesses that has something for everyone. You like chocolate, vanilla, key lime, cream cheese? Check. There are even daily specials that round out the usual offerings:

http://www.coastalcupcakes.com/Menu/tabid/57/Default.aspx

The two bakery locations are spotless and have the daily assortment of small batches laid out behind glass at the counter. The attendants at both places were courteous, friendly, and bright-eyed. Just try to smile before they do when you walk in. Impossible. The colors in the stores conveyed happiness; even the angriest person will walk in there and by softened by the ambiance. We felt slightly manipulated by the color scheme until we ate a couple of the cakes--then we felt completely manipulated. Creammmm cheese frosting... Good. Thank you, cupcake lady godesses.

Next: Mr. Mayor. Points Of Order...

Can Pure Gold Save Buddy's Crab House and Oyster Bar?

http://www.buddyscrabhouse.com/ww.buddyscrabhouse.com/

Sundays have been...lascivious at Buddy's lately. A. J. from Pure Gold, the local strip club, has been bringing in some of the ladies in the afternoon after they spend a half of a day at the beach working on their tans. Nicey. But can this influx of tuna and fresh clams bring back the seafood-induced, heady days of the former Raw Bar and the Buddy's that used to actually serve food? The jury is still out, but there have been some noticeable changes to the once local favorite that have not gone over too well with even the most jaded local yokel supporter.

Is it still a beach bar? The answer appears to be no. Men now have to wear shirts in Buddy's, which is like having to wear jeans to bed. What The Hell? Women can still wear bikinis there, but men coming off the beach have to bring a shirt or they are offered a used...yeah, you read that right...a used shirt to wear while they offer money to sit and relax and have a drink. Try relaxing in a shirt that some drunken Marine wore while puking the night before. They say it's the ALE rules that's making them do it. We're calling Bullshit!

There is also a new policy of not having ANY drink specials. Yeah, you read that right, too. There are NO drink specials. That make Buddy's the only beach bar that's too good to drop the price on some beers that don't sell, or are so cheap to buy that they can't lose by offering them as a special. We're talking about you, Miller High Life! Buddy's doesn't think you suck enough to sell for $2!

So can Pure Gold at least help Buddys?

Well, the recent recession has meant there are some very pretty young ladies who have turned to the art of burlesque to augment their incomes, after augmenting their bust line. According to A.J., Pure Gold now has a highly-prized crop of talent, some of which was on display. Unfortunately, all bikinis remained on. And the patrons, male and female, who appreciated the young ladies' verve for fun all had a great time.

Equally unfortunate, the all-time best WB practical joke was in full-effect: Old people were coming up to the door and asking if food was available, while there was bikini frolicking and rap music bursting the seams of the fragile establishment. We already had a problem with them making kids cry, but now it's old people falling for that sign on the building that says they serve food that are sent back to the car grumbling? Who's next, the mentally handicapped!? "Sorry, Timmy. We don't sell water." Jesus! Somebody has to say something.

PSSSSST!! Come here, Buddy. It doesn't have to keep going this way. Someone has to tell you that you're fucking up this once-great brand name by maintaining a classy place on Topsail for your hip, boating friends while letting the most visited, and famous, representation of your brand go to shit. Fix it, already. The least you should do is ask for some Pure Gold shirts to give free to shirtless guys who want to give you their money.

http://www.puregoldclubs.com/Pure_Gold_Wilmington/main.htm

Next: Try To Hate On Cupcakes. We Double Dare You.

Where To Eat And Drink - Bluewater Waterfront Grill - Sunday Live Music

http://www.bluewaterdining.com/

They used to have these events several years ago that were the social event of the week, but when noise complaints (big surprise) forced Bluewater Grill to suspend Sunday Live Music they came back with the novel idea of shutting the sound down early, and the result has been a smashing success. The music runs from 4-8 PM, and the mimosas and white wine take up prominent spaces at the bar and at the tables. Check their website, listed above, for the band schedule. But who the hell cares about the band? A DJ could be spinning Bjork songs and you would still have a great time here.

It is a huge restaurant with several thousand square feet of dining space, but for now we'll concern ourselves with the lower patio area. That area is sublime. There are four of five bartenders working a bar that runs along the back wall. There are tables on the other side against the railing, and there is ample space between both to walk through or mingle.

The service is exceptional and the food is good. You should stick with the seafood fare to go with the ambiance. The classy restaurants tend to hire little rich kids just so they can get work experience, as a favor for their wealthy friends and customers. There were a few like that at Bluewater, but there was also a nice group of experienced waitstaff that provided competent service. It always sucks when you run across the waitstaff person who is pissed off at daddy for forcing them to work for the first time in their lives. Yuck...dirty plates.

As we mentioned last week, Bluewater is the anti-Dockside. The clientele leans toward the local hoi-poloi and the food and drink prices reflect that. In other words, every dish is served on a huge plate just in case you happen to be a snob about stuff like that. Our drinks were served in sturdy plastic cups that are designed to mimic glass. The patio area has a concrete floor so this makes complete sense.

The crowd was made up mostly of locals, and anyone on a vacation would be unaware that anyone can walk downstairs and join the party. They would probably have been seated upstairs and away from the band. Most of the bands play beach music and rock and roll covers from pre-1990. You know, geezer music. That's not to say that the crowd was all older people. There were plenty of young, healthy folk having a great time, as well. Big ups to the girls that are trying to be homewreakers or replacement wives to the men with boats. Work it!

All in all, you cannot beat a Sunday afternoon at Bluewater. Park your yacht, take off your visor and your Costa Del Mar sunglasses, grab your trophy girlfriend, and enjoy the good life. Salud!

Next: Fresh Seafood Returns To Buddy's!

Shagging The Night Away - Red Dogs - 1st and 3rd Saturdays

This website will tell you everything you need to know about this dance form.

http://www.thedancestoreonline.com/ballroom-dance-videos/carolina-shag-introduction.htm

Get you parents their vitamins, call them a cab, kick them out of the house, and send their asses off to Red Dogs on Saturday night for a night of shag dancing. We know it's too lame for you to be caught dead there listening to their music, but they are guaranteed to have a good time at what is the only adult good time to be found on the island on a set night. Yes, it's date night for your parents or your older siblings.

http://www.f11view.net/dance/shag_cbe.htm#

In the old days, they would teach shag dancing in the Southern schools, which is why so many older folk know how to do it. Perhaps there are a few younger people who have an interest in the very particular dance moves that are involved in shag. Most people who are not from the South have no idea what it is.

The two bartenders that work the 8-11PM shift seem to do fairly well on tips with this older, tipsy crowd. Don't even think of showing up here trying to pick up cougars, because the crowd is full of couples--bring your own. The cream of the crop of Wrightsville Beach and the surrounding area were well represented and a very festive mood pervaded the whole proceedings, ya'll.

Show up on the first and third Saturday of every month for Leigh Ann's Beach Party, something that is way more fun and a lot more exercise than karaoke.

Next: Bluewater Sunday Bunday

Lanier Parking - Behind Your Parking Nightmare - Part 1

Two months ago, a parking attendant who had allegedly been drinking, crashed into the window of Tower 7 and was charged with DUI; he presumably lost his job. Earlier today, someone ran their car into a female parking attendant in front of Johnny Mercer's Pier that resulted in her being taken to the hospital on a stretcher. We're not sure if was accidental or intentional.

One thing is for sure: Parking meter attendants are hated worldwide, and while the initial incident was a self-inflicted bit of melodrama, the job is well noted as very stressful and it involves a high rate of violence directed at the workers. The attendants don't usually carry weapons for self defence, and pissed off motorists have been known to direct their anger toward them.

Even the people who work for Lanier Parking Solutions, the private entity that handles parking citations here and in Wilmington, will tell you that they don't enjoy being hated. It really isn't their fault. The law is the law, and the violations are usually fairly obvious ones. Since we need someone to blame, the most obvious culprit here would have to be the large corporation whose only function is to improve earnings annually.

When a private entity or publicly traded corporation handles something that directly affects consumers on a daily basis, their thirst for continued profit is their only goal. To them you are a cash cow and your wallet is the target. It always has been and always will be about money. Let's take a look at the Lanier Parking website: http://www.lanierparking.com/ Nicely done, huh? It's very pleasant, calm, and reassuring--maybe too much so. "We are about much more than parking. We're about accelerating ideas." Yeah right. Keep your ideas about how to get more of our money to yourselves, creeps. Do not accelerate them.

This type of service would not exist if there was not a need for municipalities to outsource aspects of city business that they find too expensive or bothersome to handle. Remember the plot to "Robocop?" Well, that is where the country continues to head. Health care, prisons, parking, etc., etc.--it will all be out of the hands of local governments who prefer to have the job done just as well (or better) than they could do it.
This is from The Greater Wilmington Business Journal, July 18, 2009:

How much does the Town of Wrightsville Beach pay for parking? In the 2008-09 fiscal year the town spent about 40 percent of its total parking revenue ($650,756) on the parking program itself.
The cost breaks down to be $73,158 paid to Lanier Parking contractor for a five percent “incentive fee,” $89,604 for vehicle maintenance, fuel, and ticketing, and $256,017 for payroll.
Of the capital costs, $212,000 was spent on purchasing new meters, $18,895 for renting 18 pay stations and one truck, and $1,585 of interest on the rentals was paid.

Next: Gonna' Shag The Hell Out Of You

Where To Eat And Drink - Dockside Restaurant and Marina

http://www.thedockside.com/
http://www.thedockside.com/pages/restaurant/philosophy.aspx

We're not sure what that second link is all about, but we're not buying it! There is no way that a restaurant that has served seafood and shellfish for 25 years SHOULD try to convince anyone that they are preservationists. That's like an oil company trying to convince people that they are "green." And this line: " The kitchen is based on shortening the road seafood travels from harvest to your table." What the hell does that mean? The kitchen--any kitchen--is based on cooking food, hopefully.

Let's get something out of the way: we enjoy the marina way more than we enjoy the restaurant. If we could hang out and drink beer and booze all day without eating anything, we would do it at Dockside. Come to think of it, that entire street of restaurants (Dockside, Fishhouse Grill, Bridge Tender) leaves something to be desired when it comes to good eating; that something would be a menu that is not hit or miss. A miss at the Fishhouse is now not such a bad thing since they drastically reduced their prices.

You will be able to find a few items that you like if you were to try the entire Dockside menu over a period of time. But if you don't have all year, you might want to go with a safer bet and get food elsewhere. There is something on the menu for everyone, but the specialty is seafood lunch in a basket. Lots of places on the coast pretend that the basket is a charming, nostalgic way to present their food; we think they are too cheap to wash dishes.

This is not an easy review to write because it is difficult to explain how good and bad (at the same time) the ambiance is at Dockside. We love and hate this place at the same time. The good part is that they are located in the middle of an opulent marina that is full of multi-million dollar yachts and fine smaller craft, and they have great outdoor seating that gives you a great view of water traffic and people watching. The bad part is that the place is a dive. They need to put some money into the rest of the place and stop pretending that they are preserving the feel of a local fishing eatery by maintaining what seems to be, to the casual observer, an unkempt, unsanitary-looking interior. We could be totally off-base on this (like we sometimes are), but based on our tenth impression, we will not eat there again. Not even more images like the ones on the left from Dawson's Creek will convince us. But it must be repeated that this is a fantastic place to hang out and have a few beers or mimosas on a pretty day.

The decks and bar area are a great place to chill on a nice day and hang out with boat captains and their guests who, for some reason, are slumming at Dockside. The bar area is very chummy and filled with locals. Why they are not chilling across the ICW at the higher end Bluewater Grill demands explanation. We think it's because they don't want to appear too elitist. Maybe you can ask them when you go to Dockside to eat and drink.

Music Review - ASG at Red Dogs

****The Mist and the Madness were the opening band, and we got to hear the last two songs that were pretty tight. The bass player stood out as very accomplished in the little we got to hear and maybe we need to check out those guys again for a full show.

http://www.asgnation.com/

Local favorites ASG rolled onto Lumina Avenue last night with the usual amped up crowd ready for their high energy, fast moving, metal sound. But there was one problem: the circuit breakers were not cooperating with the amperes being produced during the first several songs. They lost power about three or four times, prompting lead singer/guitarist Jason Shi to comment, "Palm Room can handle our amps. Just sayin'." That drew a great hoot from the crowd. It also cleared out the room just a little bit so that when they did get going it was not as packed to the gills. Fine.

This band is always interesting to see because they are tight and they do one quick set and no encores. They knock off at about 1:30 and leave the stage for the night and their fans are used to that. Speaking of their fans, the place was packed with all types of people, some of whom might have been new fans, because when the mosh pit broke out they were shocked and appalled. There were some older fans there also, and its always nice to see people who don't ordinarily join the pit jumping in because they are among friends.

Next: Fried Dockside.

Where (Not) To Stay - The Holiday Inn Resort and Casino

http://www.wrightsville.sunspreeresorts.com/

What's in a name change? Resort? Resort? We think not. Better to resort to staying off the island if all the other hotel rooms are taken. Despite room renovations last year, and fantastic ocean or sunset views, the Sunspree continues to be on our list of biggest tourist rip-offs on WB. The Blockade Runner (aptly named after criminals) comes in a close second, but as long as there is sand to hold up the north end of the beach, the Holiday Inn Resort is king of the the faux luxery hotels. When it is tourists season you can expect to spend $300 to $400 a night for a room and the use of a pool. We guess that word "resort" has most to do with the audacity of charging that much for a room that does not face the ocean, as in, they are resorting to extortion.

The rooms, even the "suites," are cramped and tiny. There's barely enough room for one person and two "guests" from Cape Fear Entertainers. The bar is set up nice and is a great meeting place, but it is dead by about 10 PM. The food in the restaurant is good, but we were very perturbed to see they they go rid of the Sunday breakfast and brunch buffet. Cost cutting, are we? That was good food.

You have got to be an idiot, a trust fund baby, a business traveller that can write it off, or all three, to stay at the Holiday Inn (Sunspree) Resort and Casino. They might as well add in the word "casino" as recklessly as they added in the word "resort." What the hey! Got your nose, stupid tourist.

Update, July 18th: The word "Sunspree" has been dropped from the title of the hotel this week. Maybe they dropped the wrong word by mistake. Maybe not. What was a sunspree anyway? We're not sure, but it sounded like lots of sexy fun in the sun.

Next: ASG And Their Groupies Crash Red Dogs

Cougar Hunting - Part 3 - Take a Yoga Class

The best show on TV is that yoga show on FitTV where the hot Canadian girls are doing poses in rain forests, and leaky warehouses, and on a beach. The second best show is the one where larger Canadian girls are belly dancing in similar places. But the yoga one takes the cake as being the most sexually suggestive show around. Flexibility in a women counts. Flexibility and cougar ladies? Mad bonus.

Yoga is not easy, but you don't have to try as hard as everyone else to get the poses if you are not there for the health benefits. The classes are a great place to meet ladies of every age. Women start to realize that the benefits of yoga will help extend their shape and beauty at around age 30. Younger ladies don't think they need yoga (After all, they are going to live forever). That means that yoga classes are perfect hunting grounds for a guy who wants a little mamalicious lovin'.

http://www.wilmingtonyogacenter.com/

The instructers at Wilmington Yoga Center are reason enough to sign up for a few classes, but let's stick to the theme of the article, shall we? You will want to position yourself in the back of the class so that you have a wide, clear view of every potential. A slight smile is also good way to fit into the class. Yoga practitioners seem to be consistantly having a great day. Yea! You will also want to wear some natural fabric sweats and bring a towel. Just think natural, man. All natural. Try not to wear cologne or hair gel or anything that these people might be "psychologically allergic" to. Do not take the Hot Yoga class. You will die! It's like 100 degrees, and your blood and the fluid in your brain will boil. Ever do it in a sauna and pass out? Not cool...at all.

Once you have taken a few classes and gained the whole trust thing with the group, you can move on to selecting who will be your friend. The classes are great because this is woman in her most natural state. This is what they really look like: no makeup, wearing sweats, hair all messy, sober, barefoot, no jewelry, and so on. They are also sweating, which is always sexy, and you are in a room full of natural feminine wonder (and one or two other dudes). If you can't get laid after like seven classes, there is something wrong with YOU.

The after-class cool down is also important. Try to find some tasty food to eat downstairs at Tidal Creek health food store (good luck). You will want to head down there with a few of the ladies and lounge outside on the picnic tables while munching on some...water or fruit juice. The rest, as they say, is up to you. Read up on the history of yoga, memorize some Indian names and styles of yoga and you are on your way to happy yoga cougar land. Namaste.

Next: 3-400 Hundred Dollars A Night For A Holiday Inn Express? Ninja, please.

Goat Surfing

This goat is sheep surfing. That's the relevance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIkJgH6uN_c

OK. One more.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/16/cute-red-panda-cubs-adopt_n_235702.html

And for balance:

http://www.worth1000.com/contest.asp?contest_id=17037&display=photoshop

And real surfing:

http://www.kewego.com/video/iLyROoaftNCZ.html

Next: Stretch It Out In Yoga Cougar Land

Cougar Hunting - Part 2 - On Safari at Boca Bay and Osteria Cicchetti and Nofo

Now that you have decided that are going to make the leap into cougar country, it's important to make sure you dress and act the part. Remember that no matter how much they say that this is not about them "mothering" you, it definitely is all about that. To avoid an arguments, you should never bring up that topic in conversation.

The same rules that apply to dating any girl applies to the older ladies. You will want to avoid ALL conversation, as much as possible. Replace all needs to talk with an invitation to have sex. Since they are in their sexual prime, you won't get turned down. A woman of a certain age will have WAY more baggage than a younger woman, so avoiding any sort of "talking," which usually involves her talking AT you. Compliments are by far the best way to get out of a sticky conversation. "Those nipple rings are so cute," and "Were those new anal beads?" are two ways to change her mind from relationship talk to fashion.

The two best places nearby to meet cougar ladies are Boca Bay and Osteria Cicchetti, both incidentally owned by Ash Aziz, and both located right across the drawbridge. http://www.bocabayrestaurant.com/ and http://www.osteria-cicchetti.com/
We will talk about the food at a later date. For now, lets talk about what to expect at dinner time when you roll into either restaurant with your net (this is a live-capture safari after all).

Boca has been around for a long time and is well known as a hangout for the well-heeled locals. It attracts ladies from Wrightsville Beach and Landfill, and the main attractant for them is the cheap (really good) sushi that is served on Tuesday and, of course, the half-off bottles of wine on Wednesday. Friday and Saturday nights are excellent times for cougar sightseeing (that's when they also hunt), while the rest of the week is hit or miss. Don't forget that these ladies turn in early, so try to set bait and capture by 11 PM.

Osteria Ciccheti (Hey, Ash. Change that fuckin' name. No one can say it right or remember it. How about just Osteria)...Anyway, Osteria is hopping every night with Landfill ladies because it is a large and successful restaurant. Things started out a little rocky two years ago, but they seem to have actually gotten good food in there now. You will want to avoid sitting in the restaurant and sit at the bar to the right. That is the place to mingle. Go work your magic.

If you want to do some daytime hunting (weird), you should grab lunch at Nofo, which is near Osteria. There are some good, clean food there and they host plenty of Landfill Ladies Who Lunch. **Warning** their website will cause temporary blindness. http://www.nofo.com/tour_forum.php Told you.

Best of luck to you, Teddy Roosevelt. Happy Hunting.

Next: Animals Doing Things