Can Pure Gold Save Buddy's Crab House and Oyster Bar?

http://www.buddyscrabhouse.com/ww.buddyscrabhouse.com/

Sundays have been...lascivious at Buddy's lately. A. J. from Pure Gold, the local strip club, has been bringing in some of the ladies in the afternoon after they spend a half of a day at the beach working on their tans. Nicey. But can this influx of tuna and fresh clams bring back the seafood-induced, heady days of the former Raw Bar and the Buddy's that used to actually serve food? The jury is still out, but there have been some noticeable changes to the once local favorite that have not gone over too well with even the most jaded local yokel supporter.

Is it still a beach bar? The answer appears to be no. Men now have to wear shirts in Buddy's, which is like having to wear jeans to bed. What The Hell? Women can still wear bikinis there, but men coming off the beach have to bring a shirt or they are offered a used...yeah, you read that right...a used shirt to wear while they offer money to sit and relax and have a drink. Try relaxing in a shirt that some drunken Marine wore while puking the night before. They say it's the ALE rules that's making them do it. We're calling Bullshit!

There is also a new policy of not having ANY drink specials. Yeah, you read that right, too. There are NO drink specials. That make Buddy's the only beach bar that's too good to drop the price on some beers that don't sell, or are so cheap to buy that they can't lose by offering them as a special. We're talking about you, Miller High Life! Buddy's doesn't think you suck enough to sell for $2!

So can Pure Gold at least help Buddys?

Well, the recent recession has meant there are some very pretty young ladies who have turned to the art of burlesque to augment their incomes, after augmenting their bust line. According to A.J., Pure Gold now has a highly-prized crop of talent, some of which was on display. Unfortunately, all bikinis remained on. And the patrons, male and female, who appreciated the young ladies' verve for fun all had a great time.

Equally unfortunate, the all-time best WB practical joke was in full-effect: Old people were coming up to the door and asking if food was available, while there was bikini frolicking and rap music bursting the seams of the fragile establishment. We already had a problem with them making kids cry, but now it's old people falling for that sign on the building that says they serve food that are sent back to the car grumbling? Who's next, the mentally handicapped!? "Sorry, Timmy. We don't sell water." Jesus! Somebody has to say something.

PSSSSST!! Come here, Buddy. It doesn't have to keep going this way. Someone has to tell you that you're fucking up this once-great brand name by maintaining a classy place on Topsail for your hip, boating friends while letting the most visited, and famous, representation of your brand go to shit. Fix it, already. The least you should do is ask for some Pure Gold shirts to give free to shirtless guys who want to give you their money.

http://www.puregoldclubs.com/Pure_Gold_Wilmington/main.htm

Next: Try To Hate On Cupcakes. We Double Dare You.

Where To Eat And Drink - Bluewater Waterfront Grill - Sunday Live Music

http://www.bluewaterdining.com/

They used to have these events several years ago that were the social event of the week, but when noise complaints (big surprise) forced Bluewater Grill to suspend Sunday Live Music they came back with the novel idea of shutting the sound down early, and the result has been a smashing success. The music runs from 4-8 PM, and the mimosas and white wine take up prominent spaces at the bar and at the tables. Check their website, listed above, for the band schedule. But who the hell cares about the band? A DJ could be spinning Bjork songs and you would still have a great time here.

It is a huge restaurant with several thousand square feet of dining space, but for now we'll concern ourselves with the lower patio area. That area is sublime. There are four of five bartenders working a bar that runs along the back wall. There are tables on the other side against the railing, and there is ample space between both to walk through or mingle.

The service is exceptional and the food is good. You should stick with the seafood fare to go with the ambiance. The classy restaurants tend to hire little rich kids just so they can get work experience, as a favor for their wealthy friends and customers. There were a few like that at Bluewater, but there was also a nice group of experienced waitstaff that provided competent service. It always sucks when you run across the waitstaff person who is pissed off at daddy for forcing them to work for the first time in their lives. Yuck...dirty plates.

As we mentioned last week, Bluewater is the anti-Dockside. The clientele leans toward the local hoi-poloi and the food and drink prices reflect that. In other words, every dish is served on a huge plate just in case you happen to be a snob about stuff like that. Our drinks were served in sturdy plastic cups that are designed to mimic glass. The patio area has a concrete floor so this makes complete sense.

The crowd was made up mostly of locals, and anyone on a vacation would be unaware that anyone can walk downstairs and join the party. They would probably have been seated upstairs and away from the band. Most of the bands play beach music and rock and roll covers from pre-1990. You know, geezer music. That's not to say that the crowd was all older people. There were plenty of young, healthy folk having a great time, as well. Big ups to the girls that are trying to be homewreakers or replacement wives to the men with boats. Work it!

All in all, you cannot beat a Sunday afternoon at Bluewater. Park your yacht, take off your visor and your Costa Del Mar sunglasses, grab your trophy girlfriend, and enjoy the good life. Salud!

Next: Fresh Seafood Returns To Buddy's!

Shagging The Night Away - Red Dogs - 1st and 3rd Saturdays

This website will tell you everything you need to know about this dance form.

http://www.thedancestoreonline.com/ballroom-dance-videos/carolina-shag-introduction.htm

Get you parents their vitamins, call them a cab, kick them out of the house, and send their asses off to Red Dogs on Saturday night for a night of shag dancing. We know it's too lame for you to be caught dead there listening to their music, but they are guaranteed to have a good time at what is the only adult good time to be found on the island on a set night. Yes, it's date night for your parents or your older siblings.

http://www.f11view.net/dance/shag_cbe.htm#

In the old days, they would teach shag dancing in the Southern schools, which is why so many older folk know how to do it. Perhaps there are a few younger people who have an interest in the very particular dance moves that are involved in shag. Most people who are not from the South have no idea what it is.

The two bartenders that work the 8-11PM shift seem to do fairly well on tips with this older, tipsy crowd. Don't even think of showing up here trying to pick up cougars, because the crowd is full of couples--bring your own. The cream of the crop of Wrightsville Beach and the surrounding area were well represented and a very festive mood pervaded the whole proceedings, ya'll.

Show up on the first and third Saturday of every month for Leigh Ann's Beach Party, something that is way more fun and a lot more exercise than karaoke.

Next: Bluewater Sunday Bunday

Lanier Parking - Behind Your Parking Nightmare - Part 1

Two months ago, a parking attendant who had allegedly been drinking, crashed into the window of Tower 7 and was charged with DUI; he presumably lost his job. Earlier today, someone ran their car into a female parking attendant in front of Johnny Mercer's Pier that resulted in her being taken to the hospital on a stretcher. We're not sure if was accidental or intentional.

One thing is for sure: Parking meter attendants are hated worldwide, and while the initial incident was a self-inflicted bit of melodrama, the job is well noted as very stressful and it involves a high rate of violence directed at the workers. The attendants don't usually carry weapons for self defence, and pissed off motorists have been known to direct their anger toward them.

Even the people who work for Lanier Parking Solutions, the private entity that handles parking citations here and in Wilmington, will tell you that they don't enjoy being hated. It really isn't their fault. The law is the law, and the violations are usually fairly obvious ones. Since we need someone to blame, the most obvious culprit here would have to be the large corporation whose only function is to improve earnings annually.

When a private entity or publicly traded corporation handles something that directly affects consumers on a daily basis, their thirst for continued profit is their only goal. To them you are a cash cow and your wallet is the target. It always has been and always will be about money. Let's take a look at the Lanier Parking website: http://www.lanierparking.com/ Nicely done, huh? It's very pleasant, calm, and reassuring--maybe too much so. "We are about much more than parking. We're about accelerating ideas." Yeah right. Keep your ideas about how to get more of our money to yourselves, creeps. Do not accelerate them.

This type of service would not exist if there was not a need for municipalities to outsource aspects of city business that they find too expensive or bothersome to handle. Remember the plot to "Robocop?" Well, that is where the country continues to head. Health care, prisons, parking, etc., etc.--it will all be out of the hands of local governments who prefer to have the job done just as well (or better) than they could do it.
This is from The Greater Wilmington Business Journal, July 18, 2009:

How much does the Town of Wrightsville Beach pay for parking? In the 2008-09 fiscal year the town spent about 40 percent of its total parking revenue ($650,756) on the parking program itself.
The cost breaks down to be $73,158 paid to Lanier Parking contractor for a five percent “incentive fee,” $89,604 for vehicle maintenance, fuel, and ticketing, and $256,017 for payroll.
Of the capital costs, $212,000 was spent on purchasing new meters, $18,895 for renting 18 pay stations and one truck, and $1,585 of interest on the rentals was paid.

Next: Gonna' Shag The Hell Out Of You

Where To Eat And Drink - Dockside Restaurant and Marina

http://www.thedockside.com/
http://www.thedockside.com/pages/restaurant/philosophy.aspx

We're not sure what that second link is all about, but we're not buying it! There is no way that a restaurant that has served seafood and shellfish for 25 years SHOULD try to convince anyone that they are preservationists. That's like an oil company trying to convince people that they are "green." And this line: " The kitchen is based on shortening the road seafood travels from harvest to your table." What the hell does that mean? The kitchen--any kitchen--is based on cooking food, hopefully.

Let's get something out of the way: we enjoy the marina way more than we enjoy the restaurant. If we could hang out and drink beer and booze all day without eating anything, we would do it at Dockside. Come to think of it, that entire street of restaurants (Dockside, Fishhouse Grill, Bridge Tender) leaves something to be desired when it comes to good eating; that something would be a menu that is not hit or miss. A miss at the Fishhouse is now not such a bad thing since they drastically reduced their prices.

You will be able to find a few items that you like if you were to try the entire Dockside menu over a period of time. But if you don't have all year, you might want to go with a safer bet and get food elsewhere. There is something on the menu for everyone, but the specialty is seafood lunch in a basket. Lots of places on the coast pretend that the basket is a charming, nostalgic way to present their food; we think they are too cheap to wash dishes.

This is not an easy review to write because it is difficult to explain how good and bad (at the same time) the ambiance is at Dockside. We love and hate this place at the same time. The good part is that they are located in the middle of an opulent marina that is full of multi-million dollar yachts and fine smaller craft, and they have great outdoor seating that gives you a great view of water traffic and people watching. The bad part is that the place is a dive. They need to put some money into the rest of the place and stop pretending that they are preserving the feel of a local fishing eatery by maintaining what seems to be, to the casual observer, an unkempt, unsanitary-looking interior. We could be totally off-base on this (like we sometimes are), but based on our tenth impression, we will not eat there again. Not even more images like the ones on the left from Dawson's Creek will convince us. But it must be repeated that this is a fantastic place to hang out and have a few beers or mimosas on a pretty day.

The decks and bar area are a great place to chill on a nice day and hang out with boat captains and their guests who, for some reason, are slumming at Dockside. The bar area is very chummy and filled with locals. Why they are not chilling across the ICW at the higher end Bluewater Grill demands explanation. We think it's because they don't want to appear too elitist. Maybe you can ask them when you go to Dockside to eat and drink.

Music Review - ASG at Red Dogs

****The Mist and the Madness were the opening band, and we got to hear the last two songs that were pretty tight. The bass player stood out as very accomplished in the little we got to hear and maybe we need to check out those guys again for a full show.

http://www.asgnation.com/

Local favorites ASG rolled onto Lumina Avenue last night with the usual amped up crowd ready for their high energy, fast moving, metal sound. But there was one problem: the circuit breakers were not cooperating with the amperes being produced during the first several songs. They lost power about three or four times, prompting lead singer/guitarist Jason Shi to comment, "Palm Room can handle our amps. Just sayin'." That drew a great hoot from the crowd. It also cleared out the room just a little bit so that when they did get going it was not as packed to the gills. Fine.

This band is always interesting to see because they are tight and they do one quick set and no encores. They knock off at about 1:30 and leave the stage for the night and their fans are used to that. Speaking of their fans, the place was packed with all types of people, some of whom might have been new fans, because when the mosh pit broke out they were shocked and appalled. There were some older fans there also, and its always nice to see people who don't ordinarily join the pit jumping in because they are among friends.

Next: Fried Dockside.

Where (Not) To Stay - The Holiday Inn Resort and Casino

http://www.wrightsville.sunspreeresorts.com/

What's in a name change? Resort? Resort? We think not. Better to resort to staying off the island if all the other hotel rooms are taken. Despite room renovations last year, and fantastic ocean or sunset views, the Sunspree continues to be on our list of biggest tourist rip-offs on WB. The Blockade Runner (aptly named after criminals) comes in a close second, but as long as there is sand to hold up the north end of the beach, the Holiday Inn Resort is king of the the faux luxery hotels. When it is tourists season you can expect to spend $300 to $400 a night for a room and the use of a pool. We guess that word "resort" has most to do with the audacity of charging that much for a room that does not face the ocean, as in, they are resorting to extortion.

The rooms, even the "suites," are cramped and tiny. There's barely enough room for one person and two "guests" from Cape Fear Entertainers. The bar is set up nice and is a great meeting place, but it is dead by about 10 PM. The food in the restaurant is good, but we were very perturbed to see they they go rid of the Sunday breakfast and brunch buffet. Cost cutting, are we? That was good food.

You have got to be an idiot, a trust fund baby, a business traveller that can write it off, or all three, to stay at the Holiday Inn (Sunspree) Resort and Casino. They might as well add in the word "casino" as recklessly as they added in the word "resort." What the hey! Got your nose, stupid tourist.

Update, July 18th: The word "Sunspree" has been dropped from the title of the hotel this week. Maybe they dropped the wrong word by mistake. Maybe not. What was a sunspree anyway? We're not sure, but it sounded like lots of sexy fun in the sun.

Next: ASG And Their Groupies Crash Red Dogs

Cougar Hunting - Part 3 - Take a Yoga Class

The best show on TV is that yoga show on FitTV where the hot Canadian girls are doing poses in rain forests, and leaky warehouses, and on a beach. The second best show is the one where larger Canadian girls are belly dancing in similar places. But the yoga one takes the cake as being the most sexually suggestive show around. Flexibility in a women counts. Flexibility and cougar ladies? Mad bonus.

Yoga is not easy, but you don't have to try as hard as everyone else to get the poses if you are not there for the health benefits. The classes are a great place to meet ladies of every age. Women start to realize that the benefits of yoga will help extend their shape and beauty at around age 30. Younger ladies don't think they need yoga (After all, they are going to live forever). That means that yoga classes are perfect hunting grounds for a guy who wants a little mamalicious lovin'.

http://www.wilmingtonyogacenter.com/

The instructers at Wilmington Yoga Center are reason enough to sign up for a few classes, but let's stick to the theme of the article, shall we? You will want to position yourself in the back of the class so that you have a wide, clear view of every potential. A slight smile is also good way to fit into the class. Yoga practitioners seem to be consistantly having a great day. Yea! You will also want to wear some natural fabric sweats and bring a towel. Just think natural, man. All natural. Try not to wear cologne or hair gel or anything that these people might be "psychologically allergic" to. Do not take the Hot Yoga class. You will die! It's like 100 degrees, and your blood and the fluid in your brain will boil. Ever do it in a sauna and pass out? Not cool...at all.

Once you have taken a few classes and gained the whole trust thing with the group, you can move on to selecting who will be your friend. The classes are great because this is woman in her most natural state. This is what they really look like: no makeup, wearing sweats, hair all messy, sober, barefoot, no jewelry, and so on. They are also sweating, which is always sexy, and you are in a room full of natural feminine wonder (and one or two other dudes). If you can't get laid after like seven classes, there is something wrong with YOU.

The after-class cool down is also important. Try to find some tasty food to eat downstairs at Tidal Creek health food store (good luck). You will want to head down there with a few of the ladies and lounge outside on the picnic tables while munching on some...water or fruit juice. The rest, as they say, is up to you. Read up on the history of yoga, memorize some Indian names and styles of yoga and you are on your way to happy yoga cougar land. Namaste.

Next: 3-400 Hundred Dollars A Night For A Holiday Inn Express? Ninja, please.

Goat Surfing

This goat is sheep surfing. That's the relevance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIkJgH6uN_c

OK. One more.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/16/cute-red-panda-cubs-adopt_n_235702.html

And for balance:

http://www.worth1000.com/contest.asp?contest_id=17037&display=photoshop

And real surfing:

http://www.kewego.com/video/iLyROoaftNCZ.html

Next: Stretch It Out In Yoga Cougar Land

Cougar Hunting - Part 2 - On Safari at Boca Bay and Osteria Cicchetti and Nofo

Now that you have decided that are going to make the leap into cougar country, it's important to make sure you dress and act the part. Remember that no matter how much they say that this is not about them "mothering" you, it definitely is all about that. To avoid an arguments, you should never bring up that topic in conversation.

The same rules that apply to dating any girl applies to the older ladies. You will want to avoid ALL conversation, as much as possible. Replace all needs to talk with an invitation to have sex. Since they are in their sexual prime, you won't get turned down. A woman of a certain age will have WAY more baggage than a younger woman, so avoiding any sort of "talking," which usually involves her talking AT you. Compliments are by far the best way to get out of a sticky conversation. "Those nipple rings are so cute," and "Were those new anal beads?" are two ways to change her mind from relationship talk to fashion.

The two best places nearby to meet cougar ladies are Boca Bay and Osteria Cicchetti, both incidentally owned by Ash Aziz, and both located right across the drawbridge. http://www.bocabayrestaurant.com/ and http://www.osteria-cicchetti.com/
We will talk about the food at a later date. For now, lets talk about what to expect at dinner time when you roll into either restaurant with your net (this is a live-capture safari after all).

Boca has been around for a long time and is well known as a hangout for the well-heeled locals. It attracts ladies from Wrightsville Beach and Landfill, and the main attractant for them is the cheap (really good) sushi that is served on Tuesday and, of course, the half-off bottles of wine on Wednesday. Friday and Saturday nights are excellent times for cougar sightseeing (that's when they also hunt), while the rest of the week is hit or miss. Don't forget that these ladies turn in early, so try to set bait and capture by 11 PM.

Osteria Ciccheti (Hey, Ash. Change that fuckin' name. No one can say it right or remember it. How about just Osteria)...Anyway, Osteria is hopping every night with Landfill ladies because it is a large and successful restaurant. Things started out a little rocky two years ago, but they seem to have actually gotten good food in there now. You will want to avoid sitting in the restaurant and sit at the bar to the right. That is the place to mingle. Go work your magic.

If you want to do some daytime hunting (weird), you should grab lunch at Nofo, which is near Osteria. There are some good, clean food there and they host plenty of Landfill Ladies Who Lunch. **Warning** their website will cause temporary blindness. http://www.nofo.com/tour_forum.php Told you.

Best of luck to you, Teddy Roosevelt. Happy Hunting.

Next: Animals Doing Things

Cougar Hunting - Part One

The economy is in the tank, jobs are scarce, and money is tight all over; that should be reason enough for young men to consider the age old option of enjoying the fruitful benefits of dating a more mature lady who is well off. That's a polite way to say that you should get a "sugar mama."

Chicks date old, rich dudes all the time and never mind being seen in public or dealing with the gossip and whispering that resulted from their romance. It's only over the last few years that is has become very fashionable to date a guy that is 10 or more years younger and show them off to friends and family. We are, of course, talking about consenting adults over the age of 18. It's going to be very difficult the get financial and emotional support if your cougar is in a jail cell, so the relationship needs to be legal.

It would be nice if you could just stroll out your door and meet the older woman of your dreams, but this, like most things, requires just a bit more work. That is why God invented the Internet. Everyone knows someone who has found true love on the Interweb. Dating websites take all the guesswork and learning curves out of today's relationships. Simply type in your likes and dislikes and BAM!, you get your instant soul mate.

The most popular dating sites are: http://www.match.com/ , http://www.chemistry.com/ and http://www.eharmony.com/. E-Harmony is the one with the commercial in which people look a little...off. That's because their site is based on religious compatibility, which basically means that most of the participants are inbred...ah...meant to say goofy-looking.

There are PLENTY of other dating sites, but the one we recommend is straight-forward and funny: http://www.dateacougar.com/w.dateacougar.com/ Is this site for the bad girls that have been banned from the other three sites? If so, sweet! These chicks look rough and tumble and you had better keep your stun gun handy if you are going to let them into your lives. There's nothing like a sexy, horny cougar that has a rap sheet folder. Maybe she'll hold a gun to your head while she gets her rocks off. Yeah, felon cougars have no fear of sexual experimentation...or the law.
So use the Internet to your advantage today and live life to the fullest by going digital hunting...for cougars!

Next: Part 2 - On Safari at Boca Bay and Osteria Cicchetti

Where To Eat - Sandwich Pail Gourmet

1319 Military Cutoff Rd. Wilmington, NC 28405-3174 (910) 256-8225

Instead of gorging on so-so wings at Wild Wing Cafe, it would be a good idea to have a quieter, more satisfying lunch at the Sandwich Pail, across the parking lot from WWC. This tasty little eatery used to be located on South Lumina on WB and it has been sorely missed. They are now located in Landfall Center and it is well worth the short hike to check them out. They seem to want to remain a well-kept secret because we could not find a menu for them anywhere on the web, so we'll do this write-up based upon our pleasant memories of the last time we ate there.

They specialize in sandwiches for lunch. The crowd seems to be mostly Landfall Ladies Who Lunch. There's definitely wine and beer available and you can enjoy your food in a very unpretentious atmosphere with great service.

Now to the food. Sandwich Pail has, hands down, one of the best burgers anywhere near this beach. It is prime--not greasy, not dry, not overly seasoned. Their patties are hand-formed and fresh. The other sandwiches are no slouches either. The Cuban sandwich is full of meat and only a fat or really hungry person will be able to eat the whole thing. After you've tried a few of the items, youll be hooked and you can try the rest of the menu. Trust us on this one.

And the best thing about this place? The prices. None of the items are above $10, which is surprising, given that this is Landfall Center, and they could rip off any of these overpaid divorcees and business people by overcharging if they wanted to. But they don't; they just stick to making fine, high quality, affordable food.

It sure would be nice if they were still here on the beach, but we're glad they didn't move far away. If you have not tried Sandwich Pail you are a wasteful fool, and you will be judged accordingly when your day comes.

Next: Boy Mauled By Wild Animal. Film at 11.

Where To Eat And Drink - Wild Wing Cafe

http://www.wildwingcafe.com/our-locations/wilmington-nc.php

It is a huge chain! It have VERY cheap drinks! It has food! It has a zillion TVs! It has a very large space to accommodate a large crowd! It often has live music! Q: What could possibly be wrong with that? A: Every goddamn thing!...Except that part about the drinks.

Located right across the bridge, near the corners of Eastwood and Military Cutoff Roads, Wild Wing Cafe is a just turned 21 year old's dream come true. You might even enjoy it until you are 25, then it gets very annoying. Here's why:

1) We don't know who does the hiring, but the staff there are not the best and the brightest that UNCW apparently has to offer. The bartenders are humorless dicks (all dudes whenever we go there) that have this sourpuss look on their faces like they really need to take a dump. They all look like they are really pissed off that they didn't get to the gym that day and you will rarely see any of them crack a smile. Hate your job, man?

2)The hostess and waitresses behave like this is the first time they have ever had a waitstaff job and they are constantly walking at high speeds in a crowded area which has caused more than a few of them to trip and fall. We used to think that the place just hired klutzes, but we soon realized that management tells them to run around like headless chickens so the place looks more efficient.

3) The wings taste like ass for a place that is suppose to specialize in...wings. There are about three of the twenty or so varieties that could stand up to other decent wing places around town. They are dried out, skinny, and look and taste like they were the cheapest wholesale wings the chain could buy. Let's put that another way: The wings at Jerry Allen's are better! WOW Wingery (which is out of business) had better wings!

4) The place is fuckin' loud. You cannot have a decent conversation at your table without yelling, which ups the ante for everyone else to raise the volume of their voices. The worst is when you go there on a football Sunday and all the games are turned up loud. Cacophony! Unless the band is playing booming, amplified rock-and-roll, or you are next to them, it is not easy to enjoy live music above the din.

So what's left? The Griller menu has good food on it; you get what you pay for. The sandwiches are fairly plain and bland. The wraps are nothing special that you could not find made better elsewhere.

But check out the link above for what are some of the best drink specials you can find; the mixed drinks are not weak. You will need to drink a lot of cheap booze to enjoy the atmosphere and the auditory hallucinations that being in Wild Wing Cafe will surely bring. Our suggestion is to get really drunk at WWC and catch a cab or a ride to another venue. But if you want to spend some time around drunk, loud, 21 year old UNCW chicks that are falling over themselves, then you can hang at WWC. Whoa! Say again?

Maybe we should give this place another shot. This review might have been unnecessarily harsh and expectations may have been placed too high. Maybe. You tell us.

Next: Love Us Some Sandwich Pail

Grin and Beer It - Part One

http://store.engrish.com/jt-016.html What a great t-shirt!

Today is one of those days when, if you are thirsty, and you don't want to drink water, you are reminded of the availability of "water with a kick." That's because today is beer delivery day at WB. The trucks are all lined up like little ducklings at the end of North Lumina, which is what is known as downtown WB. Beer delivery guys can be seen pushing huge dollies stacked with boxes of the elixir to the various bars and restaurants.

There are some types of beer that seem to be more popular than others around these here parts. Apart from the Bud Light and Miller Light (which are not beers, they are water with flavoring added) there is a special affinity at the beach for:

Corona and Corona Light - The ads are working. For years it has been impressed upon your brain that a sandy beach and Corona are the height of relaxation. Then you can further ruin a terrible beer by adding lime to it and tipping it over end so the lime floats and gets all in there. Whatever. One thing cannot be denied: If you are having a party, and there are going to be women there, you need to have a case of Corona Lights handy for your special guests. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corona_(beer)

Pabts Blue Ribbon - Yes, this is a man's drink, and it is also a manly woman's drink. There is nothing dainty about the 16oz can, much less the 24oz they sell at Lagerheads. The design on the can is...well, it's not really designed to appeal to anyone in particular. It's been around since 1844 and it really doesn't seem to give a fuck if you don't like it. It's the working man/woman's beer and they sell a whole lot of it at the bars that don't depend on pretentious customers to stay afloat. It is a bargain, it is decent tasting, and it is does not give you a terrible hangover. Hippie chicks like this beer, so be considerate of your guests and provide PBR and essential oils at your next party. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pabst_Brewing_Company

Dos Equis - This is another Mexican beer that reminds the locals of beaches and fun. The ad campaign featuring "the most interesting man in the world" (http://www.slate.com/id/2218849/) , one of the best in recent memory, may have run its course, but it did well at suggesting that more people try this brand that is really very good. The amber variety seems to outsell the lager by quite a bit, and once again you should add a lime to ruin an otherwise good beer. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dos_Equis#Dos_Equis

Longboard - Buy, surfer scum! Buy! This Hawaiian beer has quite a few varieties and started off with a bang on the beach about a year ago. It is not available in very many places, but if you manage to find it on tap, go for it! But for God's sake, do not, for any reason, try the Wailua Wheat variety. Man, that one tastes like someone squeezed grass (lawn grass) into a bottle of beer and capped it, but the Lager and the Firerock are exceptional. There is a variety for every taste. http://www.konabrewingco.com/beers

Next: Wild Wing Cafe Is Not Really a Cafe'

WB Duck Serial Killer? Cops Baffled

We wrote about the island's duck population last month and derided their existence as the bane of traffic flow-minded residents. Well it would seem that a person, or persons, unknown have taken a few of our cute little feathered friends to the woodshed in the sky. We're not definitively saying that someone is killing the ducks, we are just implying it so that in case that is actually happening the culprit will be aware that the island is now on Orange Alert.

If you have seen them lately, they look very haggard and don't seem to waddle as well as they used to. There is also that population of feral cats that was breeding near the pier that could be to blame, but we think most of them have been captured and sent to whatever heaven feral cats go--which we would guess would be a heaven filled with small birds that can't fly.

So what do we do about solving this mystery? Well there isn't much we can do except keep a sharp eye on who is feeding them and report any irregularities to the Police Department's awesome E-Watch program (also mentioned in a previous article).

There are those who may see this as an opportunity to make money from this very sad story. There seems to be a great interest in local murder mystery stories lately, so this might make for a worthwhile book that will bring attention to the plight of the remaining ducks. Perhaps we should seek help from someone who has already written about the area, like this enterprising lady:

http://www.ellenhunter.com/Reviews.htm
Murder at Wrightsville Beach - “Slip this fun read into your beach bag, and join historic preservationist Ashley Wilkes for some mystery by the sea.” –Our State Magazine, August 2005

Murder at Wrightsville Beach- "Hunter juggles her clues efficiently and delivers solid entertainment." -- Wilmington Star-News, June 2005

Murder on the ICW - Selected as a favorite mystery for 2006 by Wake County Public Libraries

Perhaps if she would apply her detective/writer eye to something other than the murders of FICTIONAL Cape Fear people, we could save the rest of our happy little duck population. There is also the possibility that we could restock the population with clipped-wing wild ducks (Contact Ducks Unlimited?) and start the breeding program all over again. If you have any suggestions, please bring it up at the next Board of Aldermen meeting. Thanks.

****Knock it off, Google! This ad link is inappropriate. http://www.gamevance.com/?lp=87&a=280&aid=CD71

Next: "I Don't Always Drink Beer, Because I Always Drink Bud Light and Miller Light."

Where To Shop For Stuff - Wings

http://www.wingsbeachwear.com/
http://www.wingsbeachwear.com/store_locator_2.php

There are about 28 of these stores across the country, and we are lucky to have one of them right here at WB. There are 7 others spread up and down the coast of NC. A lot of people knock Wings for being a cheap, chintzy, tourist trap store that epitomizes the corporate takeover of small beach towns--a salt water version of Wal-Mart. We say, great! Everyone loves souvenirs like shot glasses and coffee mugs and t-shirts and...stuff with the name of the town they are visiting painted on it. Locals can even send this crap to their friends and relatives for a fraction of the price of a more expensive and considerate gift.

The store at WB is huge and has everything you could possibly need for your beach experience. The website does not begin to describe the sheer amount of (probably) Chinese slave labor produced items and (probably) Central American sweatshop textile and clothing items that will be held as valuable mementos of your great time on the beach.

You might think this article is dripping with sarcasm, but this time you are wrong! This is what America is all about--progress. There is no way our sons and daughters should be working under the conditions that (probably) exist to make this...stuff. Those types of labor practices were outlawed in the '30s. Its far better that filthy factories (and people) make this...stuff overseas and ship them to us after they have (probably) been cleaned of the lead and other toxins that would be polluting American streams and rivers. Hells yeah! Big ups to Jaingsu, China for helping Americans live a little longer.

The store is very brightly lit, even in the daytime, so that you can see even the tiniest items on the bottom shelves. It is not a good idea to walk in there in the morning after a night out and see yourself in one of the full length mirrors (Is that a stain on your chin?). The place is lit like a salon, so pretty yourself up before you walk in. And you should also try to not go there when it isn't packed because the thin aisles will have you doing a lot of unintentional rubbing past the other shoppers. Come to think of it, that benefit is not featured on their website.

Like the rest of the island, there is very little parking available, so it is advised that you park elsewhere and walk to the WB location on very busy weekends.

Alright, then. You are ready to stock up on everything you (probably) don't need for your vacation here at beautiful Fantasy Island, all in one place. All that's left is to wish you a pleasant time and to say a prayer for all the little dead Chinese babies and another prayer that the owners of Wings, and any other similar pollution subsidizing enterprise, do everything within their power to minimize the rate of their murderous greed. It's the best we can do as consumers.
*****Note: Google's algorithm is on point! The really fucked up thing is that as soon as this article was posted, an advertisement on these pages appeared for ADOPTION AGENCIES, presumably for (probably) defective kids.

Next: Duck Soup

Supreme (Court) Surfing

There haven't been this many Puerto Ricans on Capitol Hill since...OK, never.

Why do these jerkoff senators in neckties have to waste all this time and money posturing for the nation when they could just confirm Justice Sonia Sotomayor in a day? Do we really have to listen to a white firefighter complain like a little bitch about a case he won! Hey, ashface! They are using you! And everyone knows you don't want to be a firefighter anymore and you're going to sue the department and get a settlement and move from New Haven to Vancouver to smoke weed. Stop acting like a little pussy. You're a shame to your race. All this hoopla is just another week that we don't get to hear about more of our kids dying for an Afghan gas pipeline and Iraq black gold...and...SLEEP!

What does any of that have to do with WB and surfing? Well it just so happens that this senora that is going to be our next Supreme Court justice ("barring a meltdown," because she's a woman and women have menstrual meltdowns, get it?) is from a family that is from the town of Lajas, Puerto Rico. http://www.mapquest.com/maps/map.adp?zoom=7&streetaddress=&city=Lajas&state=PR&zip=

Lajas, as many surfers from Wrightsville Beach know, is centrally located between Rincon and Manzanillo on what is PR's best surfing coastal corner. Next time you are down there, you should take the time to visit her family's town, where she is known to visit a few times a year. You just might bump into one of the historic figures in American history, if you manage to avoid getting tackled by the Secret Service. Oh! Whoa! Wait a minute.

On second thought, stay the hell away from Lajas because that town is going to get hotter than WTC Ground Zero with surveillance and government snipers to protect her huge extended family, even when she is not on the island. There will be no more cheap drugs (DEA), no more cheap vacations (realtors), no more fun, period. Thanks for putting that corner of the island on the spy satellite radar, Sonia. Congratulations on being the first female Hispanic member of the Supreme Court. We are sure it is a very high honor for which you have worked very hard, for most of your life, against immeasurable odds, to quietly achieve. Aff(cough)irmative Act(cough)ion!

And...you are... now coming...awake...and you feel refreshed...and you can go back to watching televised hearings about bullshit that has nothing to do with you or your tax bracket. Are you awake, yet?

Next: Wings Is Cock Full Of Happy Fun Boy Time (Check out the excellent site http://www.engrish.com/ for help with this joke.)

Where To Eat And Drink - Tower 7

http://www.tower7.com/

The menu at Tower 7 is a slightly scaled down version of Josh Vach's other "Baja fresh" restaurants. K 38 was the original, but due to a smaller kitchen Tower 7's menu maintains the same flavor and makes up for the smaller menu with fantastic ambiance. It's really too bad the website doesn't have some photos to illustrate what we are talking about, but the ambiance at Tower 7 is one of the best on the beach. Laid back, beach friendly, up-to-date, and buzzing with customers, it has become the premier local food hangout since it opened a few years ago. The fact is that the locals love it! As we said in the Cafe del Mar review last month, there is marketing genius behind this setup that maybe a few other restaurants should take try to replicate--if they are smart. Let's talk about the ambiance before we get to the food.

First off, the staff is made up of very lovely and efficient young ladies that keep the process of table food delivery sharp and courteous. This is one of the few places you will not hear customers complain about service. The table cleanup staff (young men) remove and clean every table within a minute of the diner leaving the restaurant.

Secondly, there are flat screen televisions within sight distance of every table that show the most food-friendly visual one could find on Wrightsville Beach--surf videos. Since surfing is supposed to be one of the draws of living and visiting this area, it only makes sense to show people successfully surfing around the world.

Next, the table setup puts everyone on equal footing. There are two rooms with matching tables and chairs that give off a communal dining hall feel. It really does feel like you are in a chatty reception hall with family.

Then there are the pleasant pieces of art and light fixtures hung on the wall that complete the Baja feel and allow sight to work in conjunction with taste to help you enjoy your food.

Finally, they play good music all day. Simple, targeted marketing based on the premise that people are affected by ambiance, whether they know it or not. Fuckin' A right.

On the whole, the food is good but it is not as inexpensive as we expected for Baja food (Did the peso rise against the dollar recently?), but you get what you pay for these days. It might be best to figure out what you are in the mood for, or ask the server for recommendations if you find the menu confusing. We are not the biggest fans of this type of food, with its excessive cheese toppings, but damn if almost everyone else on this beach does not seem to thoroughly enjoy it and rave about it. For our taste, you cannot go wrong with the tuna taco or any of the burritos, and the Black Angus hamburger is really good.

The bar has a very extensive selection of tequilas and the bartenders can quickly whip up any other mixed drink. The design for the small bar has pleasant lighting and a natural wood feel that gets very cozy after a couple beers. But before you think we are sucking up to this restaurant, we want you to know we saved our usual nitpicking for last.

It would be nice to see much more surf videos of professional women surfers. There are plenty of good ones out there, and just as many women eat at the restaurant as men. Also, what's up with the pricey beers that are supposed to be cheap? What's the overhead on a can of PBR? Come on, man.

(We have been asked, politely, to remove our previously posted opinion regarding the new uniforms at Tower 7, and we have complied. We appreciate the feedback and now realize that some things are definitely off limits.)

As usual, we encourage you to go and make up your own mind about Tower 7.

Next: Honey, Why The Hell Are All These Mexicans On The TV?

Reef Butts and Organix At Red Dogs

Since WB had the surf contest this weekend, it provided the perfect breeding ground for marketing from a few of the contest sponsors; prominent among them this year were Red Bull, Spy Eyewear, and Reef. But it was Reef that provided the best fifteen minutes of excitement by sending a few of their many traveling bikini models down the Red Dogs runway on Saturday night.

Did we get to see them? Nope. It was way too crowded, but they were kind enough to mingle with the crowd afterward which allowed us to imagine what their half-bare asses looked like under their clothes. That was actually more pleasant (really) because... http://www.missplaya.com/ So there. The Internet can replace everything from real life.

Wilmington's own Organix provided the lively live entertainment for the evening, and they rocked the spot while sporting some freshly delivered Spy frames. But they definitely should have played, what we're sure would have been the late James Brown's version of "Blame It On The A-A-A-A-A-Alcohol," earlier in the night. Delightful. http://www.myspace.com/organix

Red Bull gets the Douche Sponsor of the Weekend award for a couple of reasons. First, they show up in some huge converted military truck that roared obnoxiously up and down the streets. Then they put the cute girls on the beach and in the shade, then hired not-so-cute girls to walk the streets with backpacks full of Red Bull on a hot day. The street girls were hating life, and telling us about it. The beach girls sat in the shade and smiled as they handed out the chemical concoction that in no way should be inbibed by anyone trying to live a healthy lifestyle, much less anyone under 18. If you can smoke, you can drink Red Bull.

Congratulations. Way to make people feel good about your product, Red Bull. Please accept the award and fly on your wiiiinngs to the next town.

Next: It Says "Tower 7" Across Their Backsides Now. (There Seems To Be A Theme Going Here)

Scotchman Open 24 HRS

Sweet. Nothing's worse than trying to get gas late at night and having to travel way down to Military Cutoff or to Masonboro Loop Road. The Scotchman is located right across the drawbridge at the beginning of Wrightsville Avenue. You should still go to Harris Cheater for cheaper beer (before 2AM) and cigarettes, though.

Next: Reef Bikini Show At Red Dogs - It Can't Be Called a Contest If Everyone Wins.

Strike A Pose - 5th Annual Reef / Sweetwater Pro-Am Surf Fest July 10-12th, 2009 in Wrightsville Beach, NC

http://www.flickr.com/photos/portfoliosis/sets/72157621386797336/

It's very easy to say slightly amusing things about surfers and their approach to life and their art (like we often do here), but when you get the opportunity to witness professionals and up-and-coming surfers participate in an event in your backyard, you should go and enjoy it.

This year's Pro-Am has arrived again, and what started five years ago has quickly become a great time of good vibes and quality surfing (if nature chooses to cooperate). This will be one of the better weekends of the year at WB. The local business will benefit from the continued enthusiasm for surfing--and let's face it, this is not like a regular holiday weekend crowd. Surfers and the people that follow surfing are usually really well-behaved and tend to be environmentally responsible. In other words, they are the perfect demographic that our beach should continue to try to attract. The nightlife should be engaging (nudge), as well.

Best of luck to all the participants, and best wishes to the spectators and supporters.

Next: 4 AM Smokes And Slim Jims!

Sick Jokes Of The Week

Someone finally let the air out of McNair's head.

Steve McNair: All offense, no defense!

Iran- 1 USA- 0

McNair's last words were, "You don't have to wear the paper bag anymore, but can you wear the hijab instead? No, wait!!"

***Yes, we made up the last two.

This is even sicker: http://limitededitiongoods.com/Steve-McNair/Steve-McNair-Rookie-Card?gclid=CJvk9Ib9yZsCFRmbnAodgCr-Kw

Next: Sponsors Take Over The Beach

Pose As A Surfer - A How-To Guide To Romance

Fantasy Island has some of the worst waves in NC during the summer. There's no better place to grab a board and pretend that you are a pro surfer in order to your advance your agenda to get male or female attention; that's because all the real surfers are elsewhere, and that leaves the field wide open. Some of this advise may seem a little underhanded, but just remember you don't have to spend the rest of your life with your prospect. This is all about fast summer fun and games.

Step 1 - Rent a board. You might want to get a short board to avoid having to lug the cumbersome longboard everywhere you go. If you are really serious about posing for a while, or if you might actually want to learn to surf one day, you can buy a board. For now, let's assume you only want to pose every couple of days. You can rent a board for about $20 a day here: http://www.wbsupplyco.com/

Step 2 - Go walkies. Once you have your board, you can then walk around confidently on the beach and stop to talk to whoever catches your fancy. Be sure to take a look at the ocean, see if there are other people surfing and remark about the condition of the surf. " The waves are nice today" or "It's so choppy" or "I'm used to bigger waves," are great opening lines. From there you can use whatever other chat skills you have to get clothes off.

Step 3 - Back-up plan. If you failed at the beach, it might be a good idea to pick up some surfer gear and hit the bar scene for the rest of the evening. Try http://www.sweetwatersurfshop.com/ for cool apparel. You will need a t-shirt with some sort of printed surfer logo, board shorts, and a pair of big sunglasses--the bigger the better. (Studies have shown that people who have sunglasses like Jackie O. are more attractive. This is probably because her image has been force-fed to us for over 40 years.) You will also need a pair of flip-flops to show your flippant attitude towards the harder parts of life.

Step 4 - Know your "heroes." Get on the Internet and learn a bit about some of the professionals that dominate the sport and then talk shit about them. "Yeah, I met that guy once and he was a real dick," is an awesome way to elevate your stature in a crowd. Be sure to walk away to avoid follow-up questions from someone who probably knows the guy.

Step 5 - OK, so you failed to get some action on your first day. Just pick yourself up and start over the next day, with a few variations. On the second day you may want to venture out there and just sit on the water on your board for 20 minutes at a time, and then run back up the beach as if you have something urgent to do, grab a beer for a half hour, and repeat. This trick is used by people who can actually surf, so it should work for you.

Step 6 - Final option. If you still are not getting the lovin' you want, the last option is to take a few surf lessons to make the pose way more believable. You will want to do this early in the morning and far away from the busier parts of the beach where you may be seen by a potential love interest.
http://www.kowabungasurflessons.com/ is one of the many places for lessons, just don't tell the instructors what you are up to.

Good luck .

Next: Sorry Steve, but you fucked up.